I love Facebook but every once in a while it annoys me. Mostly, when I’m already annoyed to begin with…or depressed…or whatever, I can feel my inner shark surfacing, complete with that JAWS music. When you're anxious or struggling, it's sometimes hard to hear how happy everyone else is and how great running is and how they've lost 40 pounds by drinking shakes and eating a totally organic diet. I mean, I have trouble taking a shower every day because there isn't enough TIME, let alone go for a run and make organic smoothies from my own window garden.
Allow me to provide a specific example, but first a little backstory. Two weeks ago, I gave up wheat. It was an experiment to see how it affected my mood and energy and general sense of well-being. And…dammit…it was great. I felt great. Chipper, bright, flat tummy, etc. But by the end of the second week, munching on so much protein just made me want to take a shower. But I was determined. If I could do two weeks, then I could keep going. And then I took my son to the allergist and that went okay until she noticed from his charts that he hasn’t gained weight in A YEAR. I made an immediate plan to see his primary care physician, and my brain started spinning.
This morning, I’m a ball of nerves. I need to cry. Big time. The place I narrate for isn’t returning my emails on availability. I think a gig is in the works, but I’m terrified that something happened or someone said something and they’re not going to hire me again. That would be tragic. I’m also obsessing over my son’s health. His dad and stepmom think he might have celiacs…an allergy to gluten. (We’re going to the doctor’s on Monday.) And I realized just how fucking hard these last two week were trying not to eat wheat. I mean, gluten is in everything. It’s in CHEESE and coffee creamer. You pretty much have to shop at a health store to get food that’s entirely wheat-free. Plus, when you’re stressed out and it seems like you’re kid isn’t growing and you’re really stressed out and no one wants you to narrate for them and your students aren’t doing their homework and you don’t want to yell at them because if you do, then they put that on their reviews of you and then you don’t get hired at your job again and then you’re poor and on the street and eating gluten any chance you can get…
I sort of lost where I was going with this.
Oh. Yeah. Facebook.
So I read a post this morning that this super nice, beautiful woman had run 2 miles in 23 minutes. It made me mad. First, she's gorgeous. Second, she was out running while I'm wearing tight yoga pants where you can also see my panty line and that I'm wearing big ol' panties and not a cute little thong. Also, she could run two miles in twenty three minutes, whereas I had just eaten two cupcakes in under twenty seconds, saying Fuck You to the whole wheat-free diet., and to my general diet, and to not being hired to narrate, and to my son being sick, and to the stress of a job that has no security, and to just generally feeling not-good-enough-all-the-time.
And that’s why Facebook annoys me. Mostly, I annoy me. Not all the time, and not during the time I was stuffing my mouth with delicious cupcakes, but about five seconds after and for probably the next two weeks while I try to give up wheat AGAIN.
I do have to say those cupcakes were terrific and now I’m on a lovely gluten/sugar high. I’m going to go cry now. Then wait until Monday in hopes that all is well with my kiddo and my jobs and my life and I’m just having an understandable, normal freak out moment.
Dammit. Now I want a loaf of French bread.
Seriously. With a chaser of pancakes.