My List Of Unattainable Resolutions And One I Can Do. Probably.

Well, it’s the end of another year, and the beginning of a new one. I’m not prepared. I mean, I thought that all civilization was going to end because of the Mayan Apocalypse but all that happened was my Facebook page blew up with funny pictures of Godzilla and Grumpy Cat. Grump Cat Apocalypse


Actually, maybe that WAS the Apocalypse.


So I guess I’m supposed to make resolutions or something now. I’ve said this before. I hate resolutions. Nothing makes me feel like a bigger failure than setting unattainable goals and then obliterating said goals with self-destructive behavior twenty hours later.


Here then are my

Unattainable Resolutions:


1)   Lose 20 pounds. Really. 20.

       --Impossible to achieve since I’m ALMOST 40 and the only way I seem to be able to lose weight is if I’m depressed and stop eating. And I’m happy. So, mixed blessing.


2)   Sell 10,000 books.

      --I’ve sold about a hundred. Unless I threaten people with another Apocalypse, I don’t think my 10,000 goal is going to happen.


3)   Work out five days a week.

       --After working out for two days, my knee got all puffy and started sending me Morse Code messages that said “I’m. In. Pain. Bitch”.


4)   Cook more.

       --I’m doing this!!! Until I start working again. But so far, so good.


5)   Relax more.

      --I’m doing this too! Especially since I started taking anti-anxiety meds. Yay! Pharmacy!


6)   Actually do yoga once while wearing yoga pants so the next time someone asks, “You do yoga?” I can say “Yes” instead of “Ohhhh, no. I just wear the pants.

       --Again, what fantasy world am I living in? Never going to happen. NEVEHH!!!


7)   Realize that if I eat the edges of  all the brownies in the pan, this still counts as EATING BROWNIES and is not free of calories simply because I’m eating the crunchy part of the brownie and think no one will notice.

      --Fuck you, Resolution Maker. Fuck. You.





I’m a pragmatist. I know that my 1-7 goals are pretty unattainable. Here then is my revised list of


Attainable Resolution(s) of 2013:


1)   Remind yourself that even when things are tough, good things can and will happen. Good things like to happen as unexpected surprises, because they like to make an entrance.


That’s it. All I’ve got to do is REMIND myself of the above. I don’t even have to believe it.


I can totally do this.


Happy New Year to you, dear reader. May you have unexpected good things come your way with a heavy dose of laughter, and no indigestion.