I’m sitting here almost-crying and I fully realize that it mostly has to do with PMSing. I even have a ridiculous app on my iPod to tell me when I’m PMSing. I check it frequently. just to see if I really am actually angry, vengeful and depressed or if it might have to do with hormones. Today, it’s definitely hormones, but it’s also a smidge of my This Is Your Life week.
You know I’ve been writing a little on my 9/11 “Tumbling” memoir. So that’s made me revisit ten years ago and the person I was and the people I knew and cared about. Some of the people are still in my life. Some of them aren’t. Not because of 9/11. Thankfully, I didn’t lose anyone then. But just because of life.
So I’m a little tender from all of that.
Then I ran into the guy that I just wrote about. He and I tooled around Northern Michigan trying to make a film. We became great friends, and it was because of that connection that I made my trip to NY. I saw him at the sound studio, haven’t seen him in a decade, and it was terrific. He’s such a kindred spirit. It also made me sad. Sad how friends drift apart. It’s natural and good, but it still has that tinge of sadness to it.
I also had the whole Dog Story VIP experience this week.
It was a lot of fun and the actors were terrific in reenacting my life, but it was also a little emotional for me. They asked me all sorts of questions about growing up and I tenderly tried to tiptoe through the questions and share the fun bits of my life, and keep the not-so-fun bits closer to me. But even the fun bits made me a little melancholy.
My mom, brother and I moved a lot when I was young. We were poor and she was a single mom and my brother and I were alone a lot and then my brother got into some 'bad behavior' and on and on. And I was devastated when my brother moved away to Coopersville. I followed him a year later. So my childhood is laced with sadness and loneliness and a whole host of things I didn’t want to share.
The actors brought out the funny/craziness of my childhood and showed my brother protecting me from neighborhood bullies with his bebe gun (true) and my sister as a tough ass cookie who swears like she's in a Tarantino movie (true), and my total preoccupation with pretending I had certain ailments from age 7-17. Also true. I’d walk around with a limp pretending one leg was longer than the other, or pretend I was blind and/or deaf. The thing is, I wouldn’t do this for minutes or even hours BUT ENTIRE DAYS.
It’s why when I limped for a week complaining that I thought I had blood poisoning, that my mom didn’t believe me…until I showed her my purple foot. That prompted a visit to the ER room, and I had to have my foot elevated above my heart for a week. Really. I can’t blame my mom because I also called her one time crying, saying I’d been hit by a car.
It was character research and my attempt at understanding different people so I could act and write about them.
So Dog Story was great, but it also made me revisit most of my childhood.
And we just got some refusals on the wedding. Of course, it’s not personal, but the one that hurt the most was a relative who was going to sing a song for us. I got this image in my mind of how the wedding would be and all the people important in my life being there to support us, but reality doesn't always match up with how you think it's going to be. It’s not personal, but on a week like I’ve had, if someone complains to me about the economy, I’m going to apologize for it being my fault.
Damned PMS. I’m pretty sure it’s PMS. Let me check my app…
Yes. According to the app, I’m at 80% PMS. I love that app. Now I have scientific proof that I need a good cry, and a gigantic bowl of chocolate ice cream.
I can't handle all this "This Is Your Life" stuff. Man, I need to hug my kiddos, BBQ with Kealoha and watch some delightful "Weeds" episodes. Seriously. (All while eating ice cream of course.)