On Scrotal Sacs & Anal Probing (Happy Festivus!!!)

Every once in a while, I ask my ‘readers’ to send me questions that I can answer. I want to involve them, yes, but actually this is me being lazy. When I can’t think of a blog topic, I turn to others to think for me. Patrick started the conversation off on my Facebook page. Patrick asked: Does any particular breed of bovine produce a better scrotal sack/bag than another? Ie, Angus, buffalo etc....”

I had to think about this for a while. Then I started REALLY thinking about this. A LOT. What did I know about scrotal sacks and balls? My only experience with them has been in biology class, one time when my older brother (he was 10 or so, I was 6) was wearing cut-off levis that were so short his balls squeezed out and I pointed and screamed (I thought there was something wrong with him), and the times where I have, uhm, encountered balls on my own. In the dark. Feeling around for, uh, stuff.

But I’ve never been served balls on a plate. Not even deep-fried ones. I was at a loss on how to answer this question. Thankfully, there were other readers on my Facebook page happy to help out.


Mary responded: “It depends on what your definition of "better" is...are you looking for size, fertility, or flavor? (I'm an old 4H kid).”


I breathed a sigh of relief. Now here was someone who seemed to know a thing or two about scrotal sacs. Maybe I could learn something.


Patrick continued: “Looking for more of subjective perspective. Things like feel, enjoyment factor, fashion comparability.”


JC jumped in and said: “@Patrick, Ah! Well, then I guess it will depend on which one you don't mind as much kicking you. ;) Unless of course it was Curly, our old AI bull in college, but I'm sure he's been made into burgers by now. (Old 4H kids can be evil sometimes),”


All I could think of was pendulous ball sacs. And cows. And my brother’s super-short-shorts. It was very disturbing.


I said: “You guys truly ask probing questions”


(I thought that would buy me more time to think up a clever answer.)


Patrick continued again “Speaking of probing.... What is the fascination of aliens and anal probing? Not really sure what relevant info resides on my rectum.”


Finally! A question I could speak about with real authority. Not FIRSTHAND authority, mind you, but authority because I’ve spent a good long time thinking about anal probing.


I could totally handle this.


For Patrick—On Anal Probing & Aliens

Patrick, you ask what the fascination is with aliens and anal probing? I got this. See, aliens are super smart and technologically advanced, so clearly they must know something about medical instruments that we don’t. Obviously, our rectums hold a variety of vital information like whether we like to surf board or play Scrabble. Since aliens don’t speak our language (they communicate via mind images), they simply extract the information from our rectums using gigantic PROBES. They go straight to the source. Since many of us think out of asses anyway, this makes total sense.



Tanya Eby



I’m very satisfied with this answer. In fact, I think I’ve found my new calling. I can answer deep questions and explain mysteries…unless it’s about bovine scrotal sacs, and then I just can’t focus.