Question 3: On Surviving Dinner With Vampires

Joselyn Vaughn asks: I invited my neighbors for dinner and have since learned they are a family of non-vegetarian vampires. Any suggestions on how to survive the meal?


Dinner plans are always stressful. I mean, it’s so hard serving something everyone  will like. Add to that the additional stress of wondering if you expose your neck, if you’ll end up being the main course. When I invite non-vegetarian vampires over for dinner (it happens more than you’d think) I keep the menu varied AND I have a backup plan.

Try a menu that goes for a theme. Perhaps you’ll start with a Bloody Mary and then serve blood orange salad with beet soup. Then a rare prime rib (reserve the juices), followed by red velvet cake. Make your dinner fun and festive! Consider handing out fake vampire teeth to your other guests so you can all share a hearty laugh.

As for the backup plan, also invite one, maybe two, people that you really can’t stand. You know, that annoying person from work who’s always telling you long stories about their diverticulitis and/or menstrual cycle. Or that guy who keeps knocking on your door for money because his wife and two children are trapped in their car and they need gas and/or food and he’s been asking you for money using this same excuse for five years. Invite him. After you’re clearing the plates and tidying up, leave the vampires alone in the dining room with this annoying person. Don’t be surprised if your ‘friend’ makes a hasty departure and NEVER RETURNS AGAIN. Smile, knowing that your Vampire guests look well nourished and you are a damn fine host.