Ridiculous Things I've Said To My Children

It occurred to me this morning when I was talking to my kiddos about if there was a zombie apocalypse would it also affect walruses, that I have said many, many things to my kids that I never envisioned. I mean, I envisioned saying “I love you” and “Let me get a Band-Aid” and “Call 911!” but the things I’ve ACTUALLY said trump my imagination. Here then are some ridiculous things I’ve actually said to my children.  

1)   Put the monkey down. Do not fling the monkey! How would you feel if you were a monkey and you were being flung all over the place? Yes. Monkeys fling poo. They do not, however, fling other monkeys. I repeat: Monkeys do not fling other monkeys.


2)   I know it itches but I’m not touching your butthole. You touch it. I’m not doing it. I’ll get a Q-tip for that. I didn’t sign up for that when I became a mom. I’ll get a Q-tip.  Just…don’t…move.


3)   Try the falafel. Just try it. Try the falafel. I made this falafel. It’s falafel and I made it so try the falafel. FA. LA. FEL. Arrggghhh! Falafel!!!!


4)   It’s okay, sweetie. No one likes to be sick. Just let it out and…oh. Okay. It’s okay. I don’t know why I tried to catch that. Mommy has to run to the bathroom.


5)   Mommy is barfing! Leave. Me. Alone.


6)   Yes. Babies come out of mommies. Where? Their vaginas. It stretches. Yes. It hurts. A whole lot. Yes. If you adopt, you’re still a mommy.


7)   Get your fingers out of each others’ belly buttons!!!! I don’t know WHY…just…don’t do it.


8)   If you were a vampire would I still love you? Probably. From a distance. While wearing garlic.



9)   Do not put that kabob directly in your mouth! Why? Because if you move your head rapidly you could impale yourself. Remember when I told you about Vlad The Impaler? Yeah. Like that.


10)                   Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you more than chocolate and the sounds of the night and swimming and the ocean and even more than she loves the moon. Because I said so.