You Can't Be Martha Stewart Unless You're An Alien Or On Drugs
In which I explain why it's hard to plan parties when you're terminally anxious.
I started recording the second book in this fun cozy mystery series by Jill Marie Landis. (Find Book One HERE. Some doofus gave it a low review, but I think the book is charming.) Anyway. The book is set in Hawaii and the protagonist runs a Tiki Bar with her Uncle Louie and murders and mayhem happens. Fun, fun, stuff. Plus she’s always mentioning these Hawaiian drinks and pupu platter stuff and trade winds and I just thought “I NEED TO THROW A LUAU LIKE IN THE BOOK”. Except without the poison.
Here then is the evolution of the party planning and convincing my husband that we needed to do this.
ME:
I want to throw an indoor Hawaiian Luau Open Hose in February except without the roasted pig in a fire pit and no bare bellies.
KEALOHA:
Okay.
Two hours later.
ME:
What about a date? Can we pick a date? How about a date? Let’s pick a date. Like NOW.
Two hours later.
ME:
Can you do a Facebook invite?
KEALOHA:
Sure.
ME:
Like now? I know the party’s not for another month, but people are really busy. They need to plan. Can you do it now? NOW?
One hour later.
KEALOHA:
Okay. It’s up.
ME:
I know. I already invited people.
KEALOHA:
How many?
ME:
I don’t know? Fifty? Eighty?
KEALOHA:
But we also told people they could bring kids and family. That’s like two hundred people!
ME:
No one ever responds to Facebook invitations anymore. We’ll be lucky to get ten people.
KEALOHA: Then why did you have me do a Facebook invitation?
ME: I don’t know. It’s just what one does.
Ten minutes later.
ME:
Ohmygod! We only have two people confirmed! No one’s coming! We aren’t popular! What if we have an empty house and no one comes and there’s Hawaiian music and you and I are drunk and the kids are depressed in the corner rocking themselves because no one likes us. NO ONE LIKES US.
Okay. I may have just thought the above. This is why I’d make a terrible Martha Stewart. You can’t be Martha Stewart unless you’re an alien or on drugs, preferably ecstasy.
We are throwing the party. I’ve already started planning the menu, and if people don’t show up, I’ll document and post it all right here. You can witness my shame. And possibly come over and pick up leftovers.
On Writing and Living
ON WRITING
This was my first weekend of not obsessively tweeting, posting to Facebook, or tirelessly promoting my work. Instead, I read 200 pages (for pleasure), took naps, and enjoyed time with my fiancé and the kiddos. What a revelation! I said to Kealoha: “I don’t know why I’m so tired. I think there’s something wrong with me.” And he said, “Uh, you’re relaxed.” I was pretty shocked. I guess it’s been a long time since I’ve slowed down this much, so much so that I didn’t even know that I was relaxed.
Of course, two days isn’t saying much, but I’m trying to look at it as a ‘life change’ and not a ‘weekend change’. I’m tired of running and doing so much.
I was lazy. I didn’t clean, do a To Do list, prep an audio book. I didn’t write, didn’t obsess nearly as much, didn’t scour the internet looking at reviews and comments about my stuff. What I did do was cook, play, and go for walks. On one of my walks, I started thinking about a short story I’d like to write. It’s been a long time since I’ve dipped my toes into short stories. I’d like to try it again. This week, I’m going to start writing again….but the kind of story I want to tell (even if it’s hard).
And I thought about the wedding coming up in October.
ON LIVING
We’re planning a 1950s Cocktail Party/ Luau theme. I had no idea how much goes into a wedding….especially how much it costs. My first marriage we didn’t have a wedding ceremony. Just us and two witnesses. I dind’t want a big to-do, then, and maybe that was a sign.
With Kealoha, it’s different. I actually want to stand up with him in front of our friends and family and do the whole exchanging of vows thing. I want to make it official. Still, it’ll be relaxed…basically a fun party for us and about 100 guests (most of whom are our family). Appetizers, music, fun outfits, gifts, a mai tai toast…gah! So much to plan! So much money to spend. I’m also learning a lot of weird wedding stuff. Stuff that makes me just shake my head, like the coordinator at the JW Mariott who calls herself a “Dream Planner”.
On Sunday we had a little ‘engagement party’ at Kealoha’s parents. I met his extended family. There were a lot of jokes, some cussing, and one of his cousins repeatedly asking me: “Are you sure about this? You want to marry this guy?” I assured her I did.
Kealoha’s parents loaded us up with sausage, chips, taquitos and M&Ms for our trip home. I sat in the back seat in between Louis and Simone, my mom was in the front, and Kealoha was driving her car. I had a sort of surreal moment where I thought “Holy shit. This is my family.” Of course, at the time my mom was telling Kealhoa a complicated story about clowns and drunkenness, so I was actively trying to zone out.
It was a fun weekend. A real weekend. A weekend in which I spent more time actually living my life than running from task to task. I could get used to this. And thanks to Kealoha, there is now a hammock in our back yard that is whispering my name. I better go check that hammock out. You know, make sure it works and all.