You Can't Be Martha Stewart Unless You're An Alien Or On Drugs

I started recording the second book in this fun cozy mystery series by Jill Marie Landis. (Find Book One HERE. Some doofus gave it a low review, but I think the book is charming.) Anyway. The book is set in Hawaii and the protagonist runs a Tiki Bar with her Uncle Louie and murders and mayhem happens. Fun, fun, stuff. Plus she’s always mentioning these Hawaiian drinks and pupu platter stuff and trade winds and I just thought “I NEED TO THROW A LUAU LIKE IN THE BOOK”. Except without the poison.  

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Here then is the evolution of the party planning and convincing my husband that we needed to do this.

 

ME:

I want to throw an indoor Hawaiian Luau Open Hose in February except without the roasted pig in a fire pit and no bare bellies.

KEALOHA:

Okay.

 

Two hours later.

 

ME:

What about a date? Can we pick a date? How about a date? Let’s pick a date. Like NOW.

 

Two hours later.

 

ME:

Can you do a Facebook invite?

KEALOHA:

Sure.

ME:

Like now? I know the party’s not for another month, but people are really busy. They need to plan. Can you do it now? NOW?

 

One hour later.

 

KEALOHA:

Okay. It’s up.

ME:

I know. I already invited people.

 

KEALOHA:

How many?

ME:

I don’t know? Fifty? Eighty?

KEALOHA:

But we also told people they could bring kids and family. That’s like two hundred people!

ME:

No one ever responds to Facebook invitations anymore. We’ll be lucky to get ten people.

KEALOHA: Then why did you have me do a Facebook invitation?

ME: I don’t know. It’s just what one does.

 

Ten minutes later.

 

ME:

Ohmygod! We only have two people confirmed! No one’s coming! We aren’t popular! What if we have an empty house and no one comes and there’s Hawaiian music and you and I are drunk and the kids are depressed in the corner rocking themselves because no one likes us. NO ONE LIKES US.

 

 

 

Okay. I may have just thought the above. This is why I’d make a terrible Martha Stewart. You can’t be Martha Stewart unless you’re an alien or on drugs, preferably ecstasy.

 

No one is this happy and relaxed naturally.

 

We are throwing the party. I’ve already started planning the menu, and if people don’t show up, I’ll document and post it all right here. You can witness my shame. And possibly come over and pick up leftovers.