A Philosophical Discussion Between Me and the Blunder Kids

Usually, my mom-time is spent saying things like “Stop it! Do not touch each other! You now need to sit at least fifteen feet away from each other. What’s fifteen feet? It’s a lot. It’s like the size of a giant serpent. I will turn into a giant serpent if you two don’t stop touching each other and fighting. I’ve had enough. Enough. ENOUGH!” In fact, I think I said that exact thing yesterday after my daughter’s twelfth tantrum to which Louis (6) said: “Mom, so, I believe that everyone has good in them, even you do when you’re having a really bad day. Somewhere deep, deep inside you is something good.”

Uh…(That's almost a direct quote from something I told Louis earlier when he asked if I believed in God.)

It was hot yesterday and the kids took turns throwing gigantic meltdowns. First, I had to literally drag Louis to his summer camp at Meijer Gardens. I dragged him to the car, we were rear-ended on the way to Meijer Garden (no damage), then I dragged Louis across the parking lot to check him in, he took off running, I ran after him, he hit my cell phone as I tried to call his dad, it went flying in pieces, then I dragged him back to the check in and he cried for about an hour until I was able to leave.

That’s an example of tantrum number one. There were eleven more that followed throughout out the day. (I had one of them.)

On the way to swimming lessons, we had the following conversation:

LOUIS: So, Ma, do you believe in ghosts?

SIMONE: I don’t believe in ghosts. I do believe in fairies but NOT ghosts!

LOUIS: I’m asking Mom.

ME: Well, I don’t really believe in ghosts. But sometimes I pretend to believe in them because it makes ghost stories better.

LOUIS: What about aliens?

ME: Full stop. 100%. I totally believe in them. I mean, the universe is so huge that to think that there’s no other life forms out there is just ridiculous to me.

LOUIS: Yeah! Me too. My friend Beck and me? We’ve talked about this and we think that like thousands and thousands of years ago there was like these aliens? And then there was a bam! explosion and it blew them all up and turned them into meteors and the meteors hit everything and that’s why there’s spots on the moon.

MOM: Huh. I can see that.

SIMONE: Are there alien ghosts, Momma? Do you believe in alien ghosts?

MOM: No. That seems like stretching it a little bit.

SIMONE: I think so too.

Then the kids went back to poking each other and screaming and general blood-pressure-raising behavior.

I’m hoping that once all these tantrums are done, we can have more conversations like this. They haven’t yet asked me about my theory on sandwiches or my belief system in Sasquatches. I want to tell them that everything I believe in I learned from Leonard Nemoy’s “In Search Of”.

Scenes From My Life

I am on day four of my staycation and weird things are happening. I think I’m relaxing. Seriously. I know it’s hard to believe but I’m starting to feel the way I feel after taking a Valium to visit the dentist, you know, all loose and totally okay with someone sticking foreign objects in my mouth. Huh.

Maybe that’s not a good comparison. Let’s just say I’m feeling good. I'm "chillaxed". Like this dog:

I’m also accomplishing my daily To Do List of read, write, and work out. I usually throw five or six other things on the list, because, well, that’s what I do.

I mixed a new audiobook demo in hopes I can branch out and get some more work. I’d love to install a home recording studio. Here’s the demo if you’re curious. Oh. Wait. I can't upload it. Damnation! Anyway, it has excerpts from “Exclusive” by Sandra Brown, “Blunder Woman” by some freak, and “Ice Cold” by Tess Gerritsen. I wish I could’ve put her new one on here that I just recorded because I LOVE it. Ah well. *Kealoha rocks! Here's the demo.

I’ve also developed some kind of alien cold. When I breathe, I make this whistling wheezy sound and I’ve started coughing like an old smoker; you know, that kind of cough when you hear someone do it you think, my god, they’re going to cough up a baby. It’s super sexy. Kealoha can’t keep his hands off me, especially when I’m all hooo-waaahh. Yummy.

I took my mom out to lunch to smooth some things over with her. Found a home for one of the cats, and might have a home for our three-legged one…that leaves one more home to find for sweet Mercedes. She’s a cat that likes to sit on your shoulder and stick her butt in your face. Want her? She’s awesome.

And I sent out 5 agent queries on the 4^th of July. One of them wrote me back that day and said: “First I have to congratulate you on one of the best queries I’ve read in some time. I’d love to read your novel.” Now, if I can just get her as excited about the novel as she was about the query.

Today it’s Movie Day with a girlfriend, tomorrow it’s Polish Sausage Night with Kealoha’s parents. The excitement just keeps ticking.

Oh. And I bought my wedding dress. I couldn’t decide which to get so I bought two. I’ll wear the one that makes me feel pretty and thin and the other one I’ll just pull a Miss Havisham (as suggested by writer Jennifer Armintrout). Yeah. I’ll put the wedding dress on and go grocery shopping, or to the dentist, or to the allergist’s, and pretend that it’s TOTALLY NORMAL.

Then I’ll hock up a loogie. Just for that final touch.

Loogie. Ew.

That was probably too much information. I should probably go sit in a moist, hot room or something for a while. See if I can birth me an alien baby.

In love and light, Tanya

Why Zombies, Aliens & Vampires ARE REAL

This week I’m having my students work on their research papers, MLA style. Everyone hates research papers. It must be a universal law. And I for one hate grading them. So to try and make it at least passably interesting, I told my students that their research papers is to make a ridiculous argument and then support that argument. Turns out, their arguments aren’t exactly ridiculous. They’re interesting. Some topics:

Why I Would Survive a Zombie Infestation

Why I Should Be Batman

Why Time Doesn’t Exist

Why The Existence of Aliens is a No-Brainer

Why Anne Rice’s Vampires Could Kick Stepanie Meyer’s Vampires Asses

This has come to be an assignment I actually look forward to reading. That’s why today I’ll make my ridiculous argument (but without the support. I don’t feel like doing the research). I’m going to argue that the following exist: Aliens, Zombies, and Vampires (but I’ve yet to prove that there are any cute, available 30-40-something year old men who want to go out on a date but not meet through the Internet).

Here’s my theory. I think Zombies, Aliens, and Vampires are real. They’re actual people. Really. Maybe they’re exaggerated for movies and all, but the Zombie-essence if you will is real. Zombies are motivated by one thing: hunger. They go after what they want ruthlessly and attack. These are your basic addicts. Maybe it’s drugs they’re addicted to, or power, or sex, or what have you. They have one goal and they want it.

Vampires are a little more tricky. They are also ruled by desire, but for them, they’re a little more sensual. They’re the dark side of our psyche. They want things, yes, but their hunger is kept hidden, in the shadows, and they want a little romance with their desire. These creatures are real people who have saucy quirks, best explored in the cover of darkness, and hopefully with a willing partner. There’s a little bit of ‘forbidden love’ to them and it isn’t actual blood that they hunger for, but intimacy. And then probably a big old sandwich afterwards.

And I think aliens exist amongst us too. And Superheroes. And mutants. These are the people who are eccentric. They’re weird. They don’t follow all the rules. They aren't traditionally pretty or attractive, but they’re smart. They aren’t afraid to be different. They like it in fact, and many times they’re the people who become real heroes, real leaders. Not politicians, exactly, but maybe artists or teachers or, yes, writers.

I could go on and on, I suppose. What I’m saying is all of these creatures are real, in a sense. They’re us. They’re a new category of a common psyche or desire. And they’re everywhere.

Sometimes I’m a zombie, and I’ve certainly had moments of being a vampire. I’d like to be a vampire right now actually, but sort of need a, uh, neck to bite. Right now, I’m more of an alien, drifting along in the universe, finding my own way. I’m certain there are other creatures out there. Why in my class at Kendall alone I have a Sasquatch, 2 aliens, a few vampires, no zombies, and one gnome. I’m sure he’s a gnome, because sometimes just looking at him, I want to put a hat on him and put him in my garden. Gnomes are generally happy folk, and birds like them.

Just thinking out loud here, people. Just thinking.

Rex Alter Episode #1 pt 2 of 3

Rex Alter Episode #1 pt 2 of 3

Rex Alter Episode 1-- pt 1 of 3

It's here. It's HEEEERRRREEE! And it's awesome. Ever wanted to help create a sci-fi story? Now you can. I'm writing Rex Alter episodes as we speak. If you have an idea, leave a comment here. Your idea might appear in a future episode. And please, do a girl a favor, and spread the word. Share this with your friends. And if you want to send me an agent or money, I'd take that too. Until then, be well and enjoy yourself.

Rex Alter Episode #1 1 of 3