Why Zombies, Aliens & Vampires ARE REAL

This week I’m having my students work on their research papers, MLA style. Everyone hates research papers. It must be a universal law. And I for one hate grading them. So to try and make it at least passably interesting, I told my students that their research papers is to make a ridiculous argument and then support that argument. Turns out, their arguments aren’t exactly ridiculous. They’re interesting. Some topics:

Why I Would Survive a Zombie Infestation

Why I Should Be Batman

Why Time Doesn’t Exist

Why The Existence of Aliens is a No-Brainer

Why Anne Rice’s Vampires Could Kick Stepanie Meyer’s Vampires Asses

This has come to be an assignment I actually look forward to reading. That’s why today I’ll make my ridiculous argument (but without the support. I don’t feel like doing the research). I’m going to argue that the following exist: Aliens, Zombies, and Vampires (but I’ve yet to prove that there are any cute, available 30-40-something year old men who want to go out on a date but not meet through the Internet).

Here’s my theory. I think Zombies, Aliens, and Vampires are real. They’re actual people. Really. Maybe they’re exaggerated for movies and all, but the Zombie-essence if you will is real. Zombies are motivated by one thing: hunger. They go after what they want ruthlessly and attack. These are your basic addicts. Maybe it’s drugs they’re addicted to, or power, or sex, or what have you. They have one goal and they want it.

Vampires are a little more tricky. They are also ruled by desire, but for them, they’re a little more sensual. They’re the dark side of our psyche. They want things, yes, but their hunger is kept hidden, in the shadows, and they want a little romance with their desire. These creatures are real people who have saucy quirks, best explored in the cover of darkness, and hopefully with a willing partner. There’s a little bit of ‘forbidden love’ to them and it isn’t actual blood that they hunger for, but intimacy. And then probably a big old sandwich afterwards.

And I think aliens exist amongst us too. And Superheroes. And mutants. These are the people who are eccentric. They’re weird. They don’t follow all the rules. They aren't traditionally pretty or attractive, but they’re smart. They aren’t afraid to be different. They like it in fact, and many times they’re the people who become real heroes, real leaders. Not politicians, exactly, but maybe artists or teachers or, yes, writers.

I could go on and on, I suppose. What I’m saying is all of these creatures are real, in a sense. They’re us. They’re a new category of a common psyche or desire. And they’re everywhere.

Sometimes I’m a zombie, and I’ve certainly had moments of being a vampire. I’d like to be a vampire right now actually, but sort of need a, uh, neck to bite. Right now, I’m more of an alien, drifting along in the universe, finding my own way. I’m certain there are other creatures out there. Why in my class at Kendall alone I have a Sasquatch, 2 aliens, a few vampires, no zombies, and one gnome. I’m sure he’s a gnome, because sometimes just looking at him, I want to put a hat on him and put him in my garden. Gnomes are generally happy folk, and birds like them.

Just thinking out loud here, people. Just thinking.