3 Conversations With Franz

Here are actual conversations with Franz, my 9-year-old son.

Scene One: Apocalypse Lego



FRANZ: (Playing with his Lego Castle set and setting up a battle) All right, troops, we’re going into battle. Many of you will not survive and may even be blown to bits. But we’re doing this. We’re. Doing. This.

ME: What are you doing?

FRANZ: Obviously, it’s a war, Ma.

Sound of various machine guns and explosions. Franz tears apart Lego characters, decapitating them and sprawling them over the living room carpet. Then the sound effects stop and he starts singing this slow, deep song with lots of Ahhhs.

ME: What are you singing?

FRANZ: It’s an intense moment in the battle. It deserves a song.

ME: Gotcha.


Scene Two: This Is How It Works

FRANZ: Ma, I lost a tooth.

ME: Okay. Good for you. Lemme see.

FRANZ: I’ll show you in a minute, but first, hand it over.

ME: Hand what over?

FRANZ: The DOLLAR. I know that parents are actually the tooth fairy so let’s just make this real simple. I lost a tooth. You give me a dollar. That’s how it works.

I hand him a dollar.


Scene Three: I Don’t Need To Know

MOXIE: Mom, so on TV someone asked what sex they are?

ME: Yeah. That means are they a boy or a girl.

FRANZ: No! No. No. You did not just say that.

ME: What’s the issue? That’s what you say. Like, what sex are you, Franz? You’re a boy. And Moxie’s sex is a girl.

FRANZ: That….that just isn’t right. I don’t like the image that it brings up in my mind. I mean, that WORD.

ME: What? Sex? There’s nothing wrong with that word. And it can have two meanings. There’s “having sex” and that means…

FRANZ: Whoa whoa whoa! Just stop right there. I don’t want to have this conversation.

ME: Why?

FRANZ: Because I’m too YOUNG. I don’t need to know this stuff.

ME: Aw, you’re not too young. You should know how things work.

FRANZ: Eventually, Ma. EVENTUALLY. Just…change the conversation, okay? Like, NOW.


ME: So you don’t want to know where babies come from?

FRANZ: Ma!!!!!

ME: Okay, okay. Do you want crepes or leftover Chinese food for breakfast?

FRANZ: Chinese food. And, thank you.

ME: You’re welcome.




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Random conversation with my son. This is how we talk.

Sometimes conversations or bits of conversation happen in my house and I just start laughing. It’s like I can step outside of myself and hear myself say something, but I can’t stop myself.  

Consider the below. Louis is 6. Keep that in mind.


ME: Louis, eat your crepes.


LOUIS: No. I won’t do it. I won’t eat my crepes.


ME: Do you know how lucky you are? How many kids do you think get crepes in the morning? I mean besides French kids. Most kids get like poptarts. Maybe. Eat your crepes.


LOUIS: No! I don’t want crepes! They’re yucky.


ME: You wanted crepes. I made you crepes. You specifically asked for crepes three times. Eat your crepes. All you get today is crepes. That’s it.


LOUIS: Then I guess I’ll starve.


ME: I guess so.


LOUIS: And you’ll go to jail and you’ll be sooooo upset because you killed your son.


ME: Well. That will be a sad end to our story, won’t it?


Louis came down from his room half an hour later. We apologized to each other. He ate his crepes. I won. I’m #1!! Yay!!




Louis was in my lap, kissing me and then he started nuzzling my neck like our emotionally disturbed three-legged cat Peanut does.


ME: Louis, stop suckling me.


LOUIS: Why? I like suckling you. ME: Yeah. But you’re too old for that. You shouldn’t suckle anyone until you’re at least eighteen. Probably older.


LOUIS: (blink blink blink) Okay, Ma.