random conversations

The Trouble With Directions

A Conversation between Kealoha and me.


ME: So, your mom will be here soon. We’re driving to Binder Zoo. I want to drive but what if she wants to drive? I mean, will it be okay? Will she go too fast? What kind of a driver is she?

KEALOHA: If you’re asking if she’ll kill the kids, no, she won’t kill the kids. You should let her drive.

ME: Wait. Are you saying she’s a better driver than me?

(Pause as KEALOHA considers how to deftly answer the minefield question.)

KEALOHA: She knows what North and South is and knows where she’s going. You just had to ask me which way to turn to go South.

ME: I hate directions. Why do they have to use directions? They’re stupid. Why don’t they just use left and right? I know left and right.

KEALOHA: Directions are easier.

(I pause as I try to explain.)

ME: Look at me. I’m facing North, okay?


(I turn a quarter-step to my right.)

ME: Okay. Now I’m facing North again.

(I turn another quarter-step.)

ME: And when I turn again, look! This is me, facing North. See? Wherever I turn, I’m facing North! That’s a problem. That’s why I don’t like directions. Wait. When I first said I was facing North, was that really North?

(KEALOHA can’t answer me because he’s too busy laughing at me. He does nod his head though.)

ME: Weird.


*I did actually end up driving, but only because I'd told K's mom I was going to and I had the car seats. I think she probably would've been a better driver and gotten us there a whole lot faster.*

Lazy Mom Trick--Random Conversation #43b

I’d just woken up. It was 5:45 in the morning or something unseemly like that. I’d just gotten my daughter settled in the basement with her fresh fruit and yogurt to watch Oswald. That’s a cartoon about an octopus and not a documentary on the Kennedy assassination (if you’re worried).  

Louis, my 6 year old, was grumpy.


So I chased him around the house for a few seconds. I chased him in one direction then silently changed directions, snuck up on him, and screamed “Boo!” He screamed. There was a moment of silence where I thought, oops, he’s either going to lose it or laugh. Thankfully he laughed. Then he said “Again, mom! Do it again!”


ME: No. I’m too tired. I need some coffee.


LOUS: Well go get your coffee then.


ME: That’s what I’m doing.


LOUIS: And then chase me.


I got my coffee. Sat down in the Reading Chair in the living room. Listened to Louis running all over the place. Heard him go into the bathroom. The rest of the conversation was Louis yelling at me from the bathroom and me yelling back from the living room.


LOUIS: Mom! Come find me!


ME: I can’t. I’m drinking coffee!


LOUIS: Come find me!


ME: Okay. Fine.


(Pause. Pause.)


LOUIS: Mom! You’re not finding me! Come and find me!

ME: I am finding you. I’m finding you with my mind!


LOUIS: (pause) You can’t find someone with your mind.


ME: I can. I’m finding you with my mind right now! You’re in the bathroom!


LOUIS: (pause) Do it again!


It’s not a lazy mom trick, I swear. But if I can convince Louis I’m chasing him with my mind, then my mornings will be a lot more relaxing.

Here's a picture of me Louis drew. He drew it on his wall. The picture is actual size if I were a little person.  (You know, like a dwarf.) I'll have to take a pic of the whole thing sometime.