son

Lazy Mom Trick--Random Conversation #43b

I’d just woken up. It was 5:45 in the morning or something unseemly like that. I’d just gotten my daughter settled in the basement with her fresh fruit and yogurt to watch Oswald. That’s a cartoon about an octopus and not a documentary on the Kennedy assassination (if you’re worried).  

Louis, my 6 year old, was grumpy.

 

So I chased him around the house for a few seconds. I chased him in one direction then silently changed directions, snuck up on him, and screamed “Boo!” He screamed. There was a moment of silence where I thought, oops, he’s either going to lose it or laugh. Thankfully he laughed. Then he said “Again, mom! Do it again!”

 

ME: No. I’m too tired. I need some coffee.

 

LOUS: Well go get your coffee then.

 

ME: That’s what I’m doing.

 

LOUIS: And then chase me.

 

I got my coffee. Sat down in the Reading Chair in the living room. Listened to Louis running all over the place. Heard him go into the bathroom. The rest of the conversation was Louis yelling at me from the bathroom and me yelling back from the living room.

 

LOUIS: Mom! Come find me!

 

ME: I can’t. I’m drinking coffee!

 

LOUIS: Come find me!

 

ME: Okay. Fine.

 

(Pause. Pause.)

 

LOUIS: Mom! You’re not finding me! Come and find me!

ME: I am finding you. I’m finding you with my mind!

 

LOUIS: (pause) You can’t find someone with your mind.

 

ME: I can. I’m finding you with my mind right now! You’re in the bathroom!

 

LOUIS: (pause) Do it again!

 

It’s not a lazy mom trick, I swear. But if I can convince Louis I’m chasing him with my mind, then my mornings will be a lot more relaxing.

Here's a picture of me Louis drew. He drew it on his wall. The picture is actual size if I were a little person.  (You know, like a dwarf.) I'll have to take a pic of the whole thing sometime.

 

Random conversation with my son. This is how we talk.

Sometimes conversations or bits of conversation happen in my house and I just start laughing. It’s like I can step outside of myself and hear myself say something, but I can’t stop myself.  

Consider the below. Louis is 6. Keep that in mind.

 

ME: Louis, eat your crepes.

 

LOUIS: No. I won’t do it. I won’t eat my crepes.

 

ME: Do you know how lucky you are? How many kids do you think get crepes in the morning? I mean besides French kids. Most kids get like poptarts. Maybe. Eat your crepes.

 

LOUIS: No! I don’t want crepes! They’re yucky.

 

ME: You wanted crepes. I made you crepes. You specifically asked for crepes three times. Eat your crepes. All you get today is crepes. That’s it.

 

LOUIS: Then I guess I’ll starve.

 

ME: I guess so.

 

LOUIS: And you’ll go to jail and you’ll be sooooo upset because you killed your son.

 

ME: Well. That will be a sad end to our story, won’t it?

 

Louis came down from his room half an hour later. We apologized to each other. He ate his crepes. I won. I’m #1!! Yay!!

 

PART TWO

 

Louis was in my lap, kissing me and then he started nuzzling my neck like our emotionally disturbed three-legged cat Peanut does.

 

ME: Louis, stop suckling me.

 

LOUIS: Why? I like suckling you. ME: Yeah. But you’re too old for that. You shouldn’t suckle anyone until you’re at least eighteen. Probably older.

 

LOUIS: (blink blink blink) Okay, Ma.