Did I mention this was a long walk? We walked for 1 hour and 1 minute and 39 seconds. And, yes, I know this because I fucking timed it. Arrrggghh!
I love timing things. I do. And I hate math.
I don’t understand it either.
At any rate, then we talked about relationships. Katie gives me advice on dating. She’s great at it. She’s very pragmatic and she has this way of…well..imagine you could make a situation into a ball and then hold that ball in your hands. You could twirl the ball around, look at it from all angles, and then describe it. That’s what she does.
My question was, why are the people we’re most attracted to, bad for us?
Really. The men I’ve had the deepest physical attraction to have been really, really bad for me.
Katie and I had fun analyzing that. We could have a Dr. Phil type show, only not based on any training or medical background, but just on our guts. What we decided is that men who are bad for us, we react to physically. Either they scare us, or have patterns similar to people who’ve hurt us, or something. Or maybe they remind us of our dads, which is okay if you have a good relationship with your dad, but not good if he ignored you or you have serious abandonment issues. Anyway, we think that because they’re bad, our bodies react with a shot of adrenaline. The trouble is, adrenaline can tell you to run, but it also feels GOOD. So that bad man makes the body feel good. And that spells trouble.
I don’t know. I feel like I’ve broken through some hefty wall here. I don’t want jolts of adrenaline anymore. I want…I want safety. Comfort. I want a man who I trust and who makes me feel safe. I want a man that I can feel attracted to and then grow with. And if that initial jolt of electricity fades, I want a man that I’m so comfortable with that we get jolts of electricity in other ways. And I don’t mean a malfunctioning vibrator. Maybe we travel somewhere. Maybe I buy silky, lacy panties and push-up bras. I want eventual boredom balanced with comfort trust and, yes, love.
Katie and I decided this would be good for me. She’s already got that. She’s in a comfortable place with her husband, a good place.
By this time it had passed from getting dark to being officially dark. We walked a bit more, I felt my legs burning, and then we said our goodbyes. We’re getting together with a group of women this weekend for some good food and laughter. I probably won’t mention malfunctioning vibrators to them though. That’s what my blog is for.
Oh, and that man I’ve been looking for? It’s possible I might have met him, or re-met him. I don’t know. It’s too early to tell. But at least I know that what I feel for him isn’t a warning jolt of adrenaline telling me to watch out. It’s a warm glow. It’s something that just maybe could build into something else.
I’ll have to ask my sister Suki about it. She’ll tell me straight up. (I just won’t wear the watch when I talk to her.)