What Happens When I Start A Shake Diet AKA How I Ended Up Dancing Naked In My Backyard

Blah blah blah I’m trying to lose weight blah blah blah. I’ve been trying to lose weight for about two years. It’s stupid. It’s my own fault, but I can say that being extremely busy—it’s just hard to focus on exercising and eating healthy when everything else takes priority. I’d grab a lunch at work. I’d snack when I could. I’d de-stress with chocolate. Whatever. It’s been awful.

So now that I’m not teaching and have some time off, I decided it’s the prime time to be good to myself. So every day I try to exercise, eat well, write, and read. It hasn’t been even a week yet but so far so good.

I also decided I’d kick start my diet with a little help from a gigantic pyramid that’s sweeping the nation. I will keep it Unamed because I’m not promoting it.

First off, I should say that I’m super sensitive to drugs. Like, I can get all “I am the walrus!” on just a single cough drop. It’s just how I’m wired. I remember when they gave me Valium for my tooth (see previous blog post) and my sister asked the dosage and she said “Do they even KNOW you? That’s fucking insane! You’ll be so high you’ll float away.”

Keep that in the back of your mind. Add this to it: I also have a dastardly, sometimes uncontrollable imagination.

I am ashamed to say I spent over $200 on a “Core Kit” that promised if I followed the regime for 30 days, I could lose 5 pounds. I’m desperate right now. I want those 5 pounds GONE so when I go to NYC and Paris that people don’t look at me and say “Oh, she looks like she has a nice personality”.  This Core Kit comes with two bags of shake mix, drink mix, and two bottles of pills that don’t really say what they are, but they promise I’ll have more Omega and less, I don’t know, Alpha.

 

Day 1

I popped the 2 pills and unzipped the bag of shake mix and I knew I was in trouble. Immediately, my throat felt…HAIRY. I kid you not. And my heart started beating really fast. Then I looked at the drink powder and my devil brain kicked into overdrive: DEVIL BRAIN: That powder looks like baby formula. You’re going to drink BABY FORMULA.

ANGEL BRAIN: Shut up. It looks like balanced Omegas and Fat Burning Power to make me lose weight.

DEVIL BRAIN: You’re going to lose weight because you’ll be drinking lactating boob milk. That shake is BOOB MILK. Warm boob milk.

ANGEL BRAIN: Shut the fuck up! This is good for me! It's a milkshake! A DELIGHTFUL, CREAMY MILKSHAKE!!!

DEVIL BRAIN: Whatev. It’s a chemical maelstrom.

 

I immediately shook the shake, dissolving the powder and then put the nice warm, nipple to my mouth.

Wait! Not a nipple! I was not drinking boob milk! This was not formula! This was HEALTHY.

Then I threw up.

And my heart started to gallop like mad.

 

DAY 2

I passed on the boob milk. I can’t drink it. It’s baby formula and every time I bring it to my mouth I think of an areole with a little ring of hair around it. Just to be sure, I took the two pills to jumpstart my metabolism.

I then saw dancing teddy bears and had a twenty-four hour black out in which I emerged wearing nothing but a bandana and a sandal. IN the middle of the desert.

 

DAY 3

To be triple sure, I took the pills again. I had a panic attack.

 

DAY 4

TANYA: Fuck you, Devil Brain.

DEVIL BRAIN: I love you, Tatiana.

****

The Core Kit is now sitting under my desk, in its nice little box. It’s a reminder that I guess I have to do this the old fashioned way: with a lot of sweat and plenty of swearing.

Muther fucker. I’m off for my walk.