What Does Being A Better Person Mean

Even though the weather is getting colder in Michigan, I’m still trying to get my walks in. It’s the only thing that really helps my anxiety and it gives me time to process whatever I need to process, or to think about the next poem I’m going to write, or the next section in the book I’m working on. Walking calms me, soothes me, and just feels pretty great. 

Yesterday, a friend called from out east and I walked with her, or I walked while she drove. We caught each other up on our lives and business and kids. I talked a little about dating, but not too much. She’s read the blogs. She knows. She said that she had read a line once that stayed with her that most relationships end, and I felt comforted by that. Not all relationships are forever. In fact, most aren’t. And that’s okay. That’s as it should be. You learn a lot from the little relationships that you can use in the bigger ones. 

To take the focus off of my general heartache, I said, “You know, I’m just doing the work. I’m trying to be a better person.”

Then she asked me, “What’s that mean exactly?”

And I was kinda stumped. I thought: I’m trying to be a better person. I know what that means, don’t I? It means I’m trying to…Wait. I dunno. Fuck. I don’t know what it means!

After we said goodbye, I thought about it some more. What did I mean I was trying to be a better person? Aren’t I a good person to start with? I think I am. I think I’m a flawed person who’s made some pretty big mistakes and hurt people along the way, but haven’t we all? Aren’t we all a little fucked up? A little hurtful? And sometimes, aren’t we all a little wonderful?

I realized then that I’m not actually trying to be a better person. I’m not. I’m trying to break patterns. I’m trying to live deeper. I’m trying to connect with others on a soul level and go beyond the bullshit. 

I’m not trying to be a better person. I’m trying to be a brighter person. 

One of my dear friends and I talk almost every day. And we’re at similar points in our lives with starting over, but also trying to figure out how we got to where we are, how we let certain things happen, how we weren’t able to say the things that mattered to us in a way that our partners could hear us. And now we’re both trying to make different choices.

I think in my dating life, I’ve been a little too vulnerable. A little too open. I know how to be married and the intimacy of that, but slowly building intimacy in a new relationship is completely foreign to me. So far, I’m not so great at it. I don’t like the idea of having to put walls back up and be guarded. I don’t like the idea of starting to get to know someone from a place of wounding. I have been in a place of wounding for too long. I want to start a relationship from a place of hopefullness. So how do I connect without connecting too soon or too much or too whatever? 

I’ve been trying to answer the above by ‘being a better person’. But that’s the wrong approach.

How, then, do I make my life and relationships not better…but brighter? More alive? More vibrant? More fulfilling? 

If I pull back the lense, if I do that cool movie thing where the camera quickly pans back, something astonishing happens. 

Instead of me siting on my couch all alone and sad like, I see myself walking with my friend, leaves swirling around us, her complaining it’s too cold, me complaining it’s not cold enough. I see myself at a coffee shop (like I am right now) with my avocado toast and pickled onions working on a blog.

I see myself at a counter eating fish n’ chips with a man who regrets getting a tattoo of a dolphin because his friends have teased him about it for 20 years. I see meeting another friend for shrimp & grits and a discussion on how hard it is to have the courage to date again.

I see myself snacking on appetizers at a friends’ house while we listen to jazz and watch the sun lower over the lake outside their house.

I see myself cuddling with my kiddo on the couch and watching cooking shows, and hugging my other kiddo when they were having a bad day and I could feel their body go from cold steel to warm and soft. I see myself talking on Zoom with my writing partner, or my accountability partner, or with other narrators about our careers. I see myself at my favorite market buying fresh bread and mushrooms and cheese and wine. I see myself at the tree lighting ceremony I’m going to tonight. 

And holy fuck.

HOLY FUCK.

The brighter life I’ve been wanting to build…I’M ALREADY DOING IT.

I just need to keep going. 

I think there is room for everyone, at some point, to look at your life and choices and see if there is space to make sure you’re doing and saying things that align with your heart. And there’s room to apologize when we fuck up, because we will fuck up. There’s room for meals with friends, and for time on our couches. There’s room to say the wrong thing, change our minds, and then say an amended thing that is possibly a kinder thing. There is room to be vulnerable and room to be a little guarded. And room to know that with time, all things deepen and change. 

So. I think I figured this bit out. For now at least.

The truth is, I’m not trying to be a better person. I’m just trying…to be. 

ABOUT TANYA EBY

Tanya Eby narrates stuff and writes stuff and cooks stuff. She likes stuff. But not too much stuff, or not too much stuff all at once. If you like her blogs, please share them with others.