Who Do You Want To Be?

I’ve been doing this little experiment with myself the last couple of years. It started kinda innocently. I’d been watching TikTok videos and seeing all these women with long hair and I’ve never had long hair. I’ve always wanted to wear one of those messy buns, even though I’ll probably look more like a Gibson Girl than someone modern who looks carefully mussed. Anyway. I was sitting there thinking “I’ve always wanted to be someone with long hair”, and then this quiet voice in me responded with “So, fucking grow your hair. Or get a wig. Be the person you want to be.”

And then I was a little embarrassed, because it was so easy, wasn’t it? If you want to be someone different, then be someone different. If you want to change…CHANGE.

So I started growing my hair. It’s past my shoulders now, and it’s pretty much messy all the time, but it’s become a sort of symbol to me on the possibility of change. I don’t look quite the way I thought and I won’t look like the super fit women on TikTok, but my hair IS different, and it makes me feel different, and different is what I wanted.

I’ve started applying this idea of change (and the ability to change) to all sorts of things. I’ve always wanted to be the kind of person who hikes, and so I started hiking. Now I’m a person who hikes. I wanted to be the kind of person who gardens, and my boyfriend and I bought seeds for a garden this year. A bigger garden than I’ve had before. A garden with tomatoes, and bok choy, and beans, and kale. I want to be the kind of person who picks a handful of veggies to put in her morning eggs, and I’m on my way to being that person.

I’m trying to apply this thought in other ways. I want to be a healthy person, so I need/want to make some changes that make me healthier. Walking more. Eating less sweets. You know the drill.

I want to be a person who is published by a big publishing house, so I’m trying to do that. I can’t make them want to publish me, but I did write a memoir that I think is powerful and worth being published. I want to be the author of a mystery series with fun characters and a good plot, so I’m writing one.

I want to be someone who keeps growing in their art, so I’ve started working on my narration. Experimenting more. Taking risks. Reaching out to casting to see if I can get some books that challenge me a little bit more, so I can rise up to that challenge. I’m still getting a lot of “no’s”, but I want to be a person who doesn’t give up easily. So I’m going to keep trying.

I’m not saying that change is easy. Growing my hair is easy, but it takes forever. Changing my mindset is hard and takes daily practice. And there are some things in life that you just don’t have power over. You can’t wish away the passing of time or fix some health challenges or financial issues. And that’s okay. I guess what I’m realizing is I have control over much more of my life than I thought I did, and sometimes change starts with a simple thought.

Who do I want to be? I want to be the type of person who lives life fully and deeply, who keeps trying to grow, who tries new things, who loves and laughs and explores.

And I think that’s the person I’m turning out to be.

I wish I’d figured this out in my twenties, but that’s okay. I’m a person who knows it now.

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TANYA EBY is an award-winning narrator looking for challenging projects. Her memoir is with her agent and will be submitted to publishers soon. Tanya lives in Michigan.