On Setting Boundaries And Being A B****
I told my boyfriend Tim I wanted to blog, but I wasn’t sure what about. It’s not that I don’t have ideas, I do, it’s just that I’m struggling on settling on which topic to write about.
He said, “Why don’t you blog about all the stupid stuff women let men do?”
And this made me laugh. Both that he’d acknowledge that men do, indeed, do some stupid shit, and also the idea that women allow them to do stupid shit. (Please note, yes, women do stupid shit too. Not just men.)
A few of my friends, like me, are single again in their late forties and dating. Tim and I have been following their dating experiences. When my girlfriends tell stories about horrible experiences they’re having, I say “Yep” and nod. When my boyfriend hears about these experiences, he is shocked and says “WHAT?”
It’s stuff like changing plans last minute and making up lies about it. Treating women like they’re one option of many, instead of investing in that growing relationship. It’s lack of communication, or super vague communication. It’s the awareness that people who are dating don’t always tell the truth, and they aren’t always single, and they might text and text and text but have no intention of actually meeting you.
My boyfriend knows some of the dating experiences I’ve had and how deeply it scared me. He’s very understanding about it and reassures me and is steady and solid in our relationship. But he’s also surprised when he hears that not all men are steady and solid.
One of my girlfriends was supposed to meet a man a few times but he cancelled twice last minute and pinning him down to reschedule was difficult. There were good reasons: snowstorm, icy roads, a work accident, back pain, etc. But there’s was something off about his excuses. My girlfriend was supportive and understanding. My boyfriend was like “The dude is lying! Why doesn’t she kick him to the curb?”
And then I had to explain.
The guy’s excuses were just believable enough, that it put my friend in an awkward position. If she wasn’t supportive and understanding, then she’d be a bitch. When someone has an accident at work and injures their arm, how can you expect them to go out for a pasta dinner? And what if it just happens to be true? If it was true, would she be walking away from something with potential simply because she wasn’t understanding enough? Also, when you’ve been mistreated or lied to or manipulated, you start to accept that this is just how men are. You don’t expect better. You don’t think it’s possible. You count on them letting you down, and when they do, it’s just familiar.
I tried to explain to my boyfriend that there’s a whole lot of conditioning that has happened over a woman’s life. Men are valued above women, and this gets even more complicated with age. Men are valued above women, and men value younger women above women their own age or older. So men are given a wide range in behavior we accept. We feel we have to accept it. Women are supposed to be caring, understanding, supportive, and so even when faced with something that may or may not be true, we are expected to err on the side of kindness. So we are kind. We believe. We support. We understand. And sometimes, it ends up hurting us.
My boyfriend’s response was interesting, that she should just kick the dude to the curb, and it made me think a lot about boundaries. What if women didn’t allow bad behavior? What if we called others on it? What if when it felt like someone was lying to us, instead of interpreting or justifying or being supportive, what if we said, “This just doesn’t feel true to me. I’m sorry you’re going through all this stuff, but it sounds like the timing isn’t good for us.” What if we were confident enough to walk away?
In dating Tim, I made a conscious choice that I was going to enter the relationship open- hearted, honest, and real. I decided if there were things I didn’t like, I was fully prepared to walk away. I was prepared to say, “This doesn’t work for me” and let the relationship end if I wasn’t treated well. In fact, early on in our dating, he was struggling to commit to meeting me and I decided to walk away. “This doesn’t work for me. I don’t want a pen pal. If you don’t want to meet in real life, I get it, but I’m not going to continue chatting with you.”
We met three days later.
I think in relationships, we as women need to remind ourselves that setting boundaries isn’t being bitchy. It’s being healthy. Trusting your gut, asking for clarification, challenging things that feel untruthful, they’re important steps in protecting yourself but also advocating for yourself. I’ve been working on setting boundaries, in sitting in the discomfort of telling someone “No” when they want me to do something that I don’t want to do, or telling someone that their behavior doesn’t work for me.
I don’t have to do things that aren’t good for me, and I don’t have to give complicated explanations on why I don’t want to do something. If it doesn’t feel good, if it’s too overwhelming, if it would stress me financially or physically, if I just don’t want to do it, I have the power to set a boundary and say No.
I’m applying this not just to dating, but in my family relationships, in issues with my kids, in co-parenting struggles with my kids’ dad. There are times when I need to say “No” or “This doesn’t work for me.”
More than having the power to say No, I have a duty to say No. It honors myself, but it also lets the other person know how I want to be treated.
I don’t know. I’m no dating or life expert. I’ve had terrible experiences, and I’m so grateful to have finally found someone who is a true partner. Now that I’m in a committed and satisfying relationship, the further I get from dating, the more I realize that in my panic to not be alone when I was dating previously, I sacrificed some of my integrity. And that makes me sad.
Setting boundaries has been one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever learned or put into practice, but also one of the most important.
I don’t know that women allow men to behave badly. We don’t have control over what other people choose to do. But we do have control over what we allow in our lives. And I’m hoping my friends will settle into their awesomeness and know they deserve a partner who is honest, kind, committed, and vulnerable.
For me, it started with a thought: “If something doesn’t feel right, it means it’s not right.” That helped me realize that I didn’t need to know anything for sure. I just needed to know it didn’t feel good to me, and that was enough.
Maybe another thought is, “Well, if this makes me seem like a bitch, I’m okay with that, because at least I’ll be a happy bitch.” I’m good with being a happy bitch. I actually quite like it.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tanya Eby is a narrator and writer in Grand Rapids, Michigan. If you like her work, please let her know by posting a comment and/or share it on social media.