Bring On The Food Allergy Mumbojumbo Testing, and Rub My Chakras

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m having such a hard time losing weight even though I’m exercising and watching what I eat, blah blah blah…and I’ve been wanting to get tested for food allergies. I asked my allergist and she said that they only do the blood tests. But I have friends who’ve gotten this weird test that included holding balls or something and discovering that wheat or cheese or berries or whatever messes up their system. I’ve been wanting to do this for two years. I mean, you HOLD BALLS. Who doesn’t want to hold balls? Except, you know, maybe lesbians. (Bad joke. Bad, bad joke.)


So when Groupon offered a $50 coupon for Food Allergy Testing, I signed up. I was the first in line. Me! #1! And Kealoha freaked out. (But in a cute way. Not a creepy way.)


See, Kealoha’s an atheist, though he likes Christmas music, especially if Jesus is mentioned doing the polka. So the idea of having someone link me up to a car battery and shoot electrical impulses through me to see what I may or may not be allergic to, sort of freaked him out. His face got all red. He got so worked up he…well…I can't talk about it. I can say it’s okay. It happens to the best of us. Here is our conversation:


KEALOHA: You are not doing this. You can’t be serious.


ME: I’m serious. Dude, I’ve been wanting to do this for YEARS.


KEALOHA: Yes, but it’s ridiculous. You’re supporting medical malarkey. I mean, the place is in a health food store in a STRIP MALL. You’ll probably be in the middle of the store with some adolescent hooking you up to a machine.


ME: They don’t hook you up to a machine. They ask you to hold balls.


KEALOHA: If you want to know if you’re allergic to wheat, I have a pair of balls you can hold. I’ve got them RIGHT HERE. Go on, hold them. I'll tell you what you're allergic to.


ME: I’m not holding your balls. But I am going to do this food allergy thing. It’s going to be awesome. I mean, a STRIP MALL! They use ANCIENT CHINESE SECRETS. They say so. Or they imply it.


KEALOHA: Ancient Chinese Secrets? What are they? A dry cleaner?


ME: And you know what, I’m going to bring my MOM.


KEALOHA: Oh god. She’ll probably get a job there.


Then I said I was going to do it and, in fact, I had already signed up. There just needed to be four more people out there to sign up and I’d get the deal. This caused a profusion of laughter so hard that, well,the thing That Cannot Be Named happened. (Hint: It involves and explosion of air WHILE laughing.)


If four more people sign up, I’m going. And I’m bringing Kealoha with me. He can watch me hold those teenager’s balls. It’s for SCIENCE, man. Science.




UPDATE: Five other people out there signed up for the deal. I'm doing it!