Tanya Eby, the quirky and eccentric writer, asked me to write a blog for her. Actually, I wrote to her and told her I needed to write a blog for her because I’m just so annoyed with all these magazines and online sources talking about how you can have a better life. Having a better life is easy! Why do people make it so complicated? My daughter Sausage took years complicating her life, but thankfully she finally figured it out. (If she’d only listened to me earlier…)
Just today I found this article. It gives you ten steps on becoming a better person. The first one says incorporate the 3 I’s which are integrity and independence and then, I don’t know, Innuit living. That’s three things right there in the first step! That's completely complicated. And I don’t even know how to live like an Innuit! How do the Innuit live?
I have 10 Easy Steps to Improve your Life and Be a Better Person. I have authority to talk about this because I’ve lived an adventurous life. In the 60s I loved freely and frequently. Now I’m in my 60s and it’s pretty much the same thing.
At any rate, here is my list:
Pepper Wellington’s 10 Easy Steps To Having Your Life Not Suck:
1) Eat more lentils. They have a lot of fiber in them. You can’t be an uptight person if you’re fully cleansed.
2) Stop being an asshole. The lentil thing will help here, but, you know, stop being cruel. It’s pretty easy.
3) Fall in love over and over again, even if it’s with the same person. People in love are nicer.
4) Make love over and over again. It’s good exercise, and an orgasm will make you relax and not be an asshole or uptight. It’s almost better than lentil soup.
5) Try something new. When Mrs. Welch asked me to get on the Harley with her, I hesitated for a moment. Now we’re members of the Hot Retired Mamas. We wear leather chaps. It’s as hot as it sounds.
6) Get a backrub.
7) Drink wine.
8 ) Don’t kill anybody. (I’ve been around a lot of murder sites. I’m not sure why. I just happen to stumble upon them. I’ve actually gotten quite good at uncovering guilty parties, but I’d rather not.)
9) Get along with your family. Stop being stupid. Family is important. Even if you hate them.
10) Have a spontaneous make-out session. I like to make out while wearing nothing but a see through nightie. You can also make out in a turtleneck and flannel pants. It doesn’t matter. Just find someone to kiss and do it.
Forget incorporating the three I’s and that bullshit. If you want a better life, then go out and make it better. In fact, throw this ridiculous list out and just live a little more fully.
I’d say more on the subject, but Mrs. Welch and I have been invited to a curry dinner with some nefarious characters. I hope no one ends up dead. When my daughter was getting married, there was a string of murders. Thankfully, I’d had lentil soup just that morning, so I was very relaxed to handle the stress.
NOTE FROM TANYA EBY: Thank you, Pepper, for your insight. I'll make lentil burgers tonight. And maybe even make out with Kealoha, though that's probably too much information for the readers. If the readers would like to hear more from/about you, there's a book coming out February 7th called "Pepper Wellington and the Case of the Missing Sausage". Look for that soon.