My Squirrel Monologue

I find that walking really allows you to connect with a person. Maybe it’s because you don’t have to look them in the eye, that you can share deep, personal moments with them. Here is my Squirrel Monologue as shared with Kealoha, followed by a brief scene. Feel free to read allow for full effect: ME: So I was sitting on the back porch in the sun, kinda soaking it in, ya know, when I felt someone looking at me. Like I felt little eyes boring into my soul, or whatever. I looked at the bird feeder and sure enough, there was that fatty squirrel, staring at me. Just, STARING. He had his little hands halfway down the birdfeeder, gripping it, and his dark eyes just looked at me and I thought, holy shit. We’re having a stare down. It made me all uncomfortable because he aasn’t moving, except for an occasional twitch and I thought, this squirrel is going to take a flying leap and attack my neck! So I very coolly broke eye contact, and looked the other way, like, “Oh! Look at the interesting so and so!” I know, I know, I was giving top dog status to the squirrel, but I really value my neck. When I looked back, he was STILL staring at me, and then he made this little uh-uh-uh sound and I sorta started sweating. “Hey, squirrely!” I said in a fake cheerful voice. “Just do what you gotta do! Ha ha!” Sweating bullets! That’s what I was doing. Then the squirrel squinted at me as if to say “Don’t make one move you mother fu…” And I laughed, uncomfortably, the way you laugh when being chased by a murderer and you want to pretend you’re totally not scared. Or maybe that’s just me. Anyway, then the fatty squirrel went back to eating the birdseed.


ME: I know. And THEN I saw another squirrel lying on top of the playset. You know, arms on either side, not moving, its little limbs nagging over the board, just lying there perfectly still and I thought, man, that squirrel’s got polio! And then…

KEALOHA: The squirrel has polio?

ME: Yeah!

KEALOHA: You know,  you’re the only person who thinks this way.

ME: What? That the squirrel has polio? No. I’m pretty sure lots of people think like that.

KEALOHA: (Laughs) Nope. Pretty sure they don’t.

We kept walking. And I continued to share my deepest, darkest thoughts with Kealoha about the Whirly Pop and feeling bloated and what to make for dinner. Like a good husband, he listened quietly, occasionally said “Yeah,” so I’d know he was there.

I’m telling you, spring makes the crazies come out. And by ‘crazies’ I mean squirrels. Which reminds me, Kealoha, if you’re reading this, please refill the bird feeder for the squirrel. I don’t want him attacking us in the middle of the night with  a little squirrel machete or whatever.

He's up to something. I just know it...