Why Tanya Has Been So Lax With The Blog

I’ve been conspicuously quiet with the blog lately, and I wanted to tell you what’s been going on in case you’re worried, because I’m sure you all think about me and my own little life every moment. (That’s sarcasm, since you can’t hear my voice.)  

Instead of telling you what’s been happening, I thought I would give you some options, and you can choose why I’ve been so lax with the blog:

WHY TANYA IS SO LAX WITH THE BLOG:

 

1)            Tanya has been practicing for a jazz concert where she’ll reenact the scene in the Fabulous Baker Boys. Since her voice is not at all sultry and better for songs like Kumbaya and Joan Baez tunes, this has required her to drink a lot of Scotch and stand on street corners soliciting not sex but a cold to make her sound sexy. She has also spent a lot of time searching for a red dress that emphasizes the good things, mainly: T&A, and hides the bad things, mainly: muffin top.

2)            Tanya has been training to be the only solo team on The Amazing Race. She’s solo because she gets so incredibly stressed out driving across town to pick up groceries that she has to take an Ativan, so this process of travelling around the world has required deep meditation and finding her higher power. Tanya’s Higher Power, if you haven’t guessed, is chocolate.

 

3)            Tanya has refused to leave her couch and is gorging on movie-style popcorn popped in the Whirly Pop that her friend Debbie gave her for Christmas. She has vowed not to leave the couch until she watches everything Hitchcock (that creepy bugger) made, OR until she eats all the Whirlypop popcorn kits that she impulsively bought when she was feeling blue one day.

 

4)            Tanya has become a Hare Krishna. She’s always liked the color orange.

hare krishna

5)            Tanya believes that she needs to be on MadMen. She’s got the hips for it. So she’s travelling to Hollywood to check out the casting couch and see who she needs to do…I mean…what she needs to do to kick Joan out of the office, and get into Don’s bed. On the show. Yeah. Just on the show. Ahem.

 

6)            Tanya is busy working on her memoir. She should’ve finished it already but, hey, she’s not always focused. Tanya likes squirrels. And beavers. The word “Beaver” always makes her laugh.

 

220px-American_Beaver

I’ll let you decide what’s been happening. Don’t fret. I’ll be back soon. If you’re bored, type random words into the search bar on the site and see if anything pops up. OR, hey, here’s an idea, read one of my books.

 

No pressure.

 

(pause.)

 

(pause.)

Okay, a little pressure. But good pressure.

 

-Cheers-