I had one of those “old habits die hard” moments. Or maybe it should be “I’m still acting and responding in old patterns” moments and “I really need to stop doing that”. My writing space is tucked into the corner of the kitchen. I have a cute little antique desk (which is really an old sewing cabinet). I like the desk and being where there’s lots of light, BUT I don’t have any space for a printer, or my writer-type stuff.
It occurred to me that maybe I should get a new desk. So, I planned it all out…how I would talk to Kealoha about it, how I would justify it, etc. See, when I was married, getting furniture became this huge symbol. I wanted a new couch and my ex refused. We never had enough money. Actually, we had enough money but he didn’t think my wanting a new couch was important.
Near the end of our marriage, I had pleaded for new furniture so frequently that my ex finally gave in…but only after I’d saved enough money from narrating to take care of the cost. We finally got the new couch and chairs, but at that point no furniture could fix what was missing from our relationship. When I left, my ex refused to let me have any of it. It became this whole symbol of not feeling cherished or listened to. I was a stay-at-home mom and was inside constantly raising our two kids (who are only seventeen months apart). I just wanted a new couch. Something without stains on it. Something that didn’t come from my ex’s previous marriage. More than that, I just wanted to be taken care of.
So when I decided that I’d like a new writing desk, I had everything planned out.
Kealoha would come home and this is what I would say:
“So, I’d really like a new writing desk. I want something that has drawers and I can put paper in. And I’d like it big enough so that I can have the printer next to me and space for some other things. It will be a business expense so it will come out of my business account. It’s not superficial. I need it. It’s important to me. I spend so much time writing and working that I want a space that allows me to do this. If you want, I can save a little longer, but I do have the money to cover it…."
I had everything planned. I would make my need known and demand that I get a new desk. I would not wait another five years for something that was important to me. This time, I would be heard! I was already getting a little angry and I hadn’t even talked to Kealoha yet.
Kealoha came home. Armed with my arsenal of reasons I said: “I’d like to get a new desk and…”
He didn’t let me finish. “Sure. You want to plan a daytrip to Ikea?”
Just like that.
My mouth dropped open. I stammered “But I need it and I can pay for it and…”
He just looked at me. “Let me check the calendar. We could look for some stuff for the kids’ rooms too.”
It sort of makes me cry. It’s just another reason why I’m crazy about this guy.