Dating, Vikings, and Russ's Restaurant
I asked for some suggestions on what to blog about. One was dating...a particular sore spot because while I am a virile woman with hips and attitude, I'm a little frustrated. That sounds wrong. I've just had a string of really bad, awkward things happen in the dating area. But that's a separate post. So, here I wax on and off about dating, and it starts with a story.
I asked for some suggestions on what to blog about. One was dating...a particular sore spot because while I am a virile woman with hips and attitude, I'm a little frustrated. That sounds wrong. I've just had a string of really bad, awkward things happen in the dating area. But that's a separate post. So, here I wax on and off about dating, and it starts with a story.
I was in the recording studio the other day with Kevin Yon, a teddy bear kind of guy who looks like he must have some Viking DNA, and Kevin was mercilessly teasing me. He was messing with me about the usual things: my sorry history in dating, how I was drunk on Sunday night and sending regrettable emails that ensured my exes will remain exes, and my attraction to quirky, awkward places. See, I have a soft spot in my heart for Russ’s Restaurant, not only because it’s cheap, but mostly because when I’m there, I’m the hottest chick around. That is, of course, because Russ’s Restaurant is frequented namely by centenarians. (That’s not a sci-fi term, I mean people nearing their 100th birthday). And you know, legitimately, I like their burgers. (Again, I’m referring not to old people but to Russ’s Restaurant. They serve a killer olive burger.) And they serve pie. Everyone should have pie within easy reach. It’s just a philosophy of mine.
At any rate, Kevin was telling Stuart about this place and how one time I coerced Mr. Yon into going with me. “Stuart!” he bellowed into the microphone. “Stuart, I ordered a salad and it was WHITE. The vegetables were WHITE. And I don’t even want to tell you about the women there. Hair dye, man. Hair. Dye.” Kevin thinks that obsession with this restaurant could be why I’m currently not dating. I tend to agree with him.
Yes. I like Russ’s Restaurant, and even Lawrence Welk…but I’d only take a guy I was dating to experience the place with me once I felt comfortable enough in our relationship. You know, comfortable enough that he wouldn’t run in fear. “They all run in fear from me anyway,” I said. I was feeling sorry for myself. I have a right to, as I’ve had a pretty big string of bad dating luck. And, oh yeah, a failed marriage.
Kevin said, wisely, that I should stop wanting to date and then I’d find someone to date. But here’s the thing. If you want to go out with someone, you simply want to. It’s sort of like saying “Stop being hungry and then you’ll have something to eat.” When that’s not true at all. No. When you’re hungry, if you don’t eat you know what happens? You get all emaciated and a bloated belly and then you DIE. You. Die. What girl doesn’t want someone to think she’s pretty and take her to dinner? I’m not asking for backrubs or marriage, people, just…you know…someone who isn’t gay. Isn’t gay is pretty much my only requirement, and actually, if the person is gay and at least tells me I’m pretty then I don’t even care. I guess I’m saying I just want to leave the house on occasion. Which I’m doing.
Just ask Pop Scholars. I went out with them and had A DRINK. A big old tall gin & tonic. I only drank half, but still, that’s a start.
Lost where I was going with this. Oh, yes. Kevin and Stuart teasing me about dating. Now, seriously, I have had opportunities, it’s just I’m being picky. And I’ve decided that what I want is someone I can laugh with. Someone who is quirky and awkward and geeky and I can be ridiculous with and, yes, laugh. Because if you can’t laugh with someone, then how can you practice those illustrations in the Kama Sutra and follow it up with a big old olive burger at Russ’s.
That’s all I’m saying. And Kevin, yes, next time I’m drinking alone on a Sunday night and I decide to start writing drunken emails, you’re on the top of my list. Better beware, Viking Boy. BEWARE….
Podcast EDI 42-45
In this segment, everybody thinks about everybody else...and we meet Ronny the Rocker...again.
In this segment, everybody thinks about everybody else...and we meet Ronny the Rocker...again.
EDI Chapters 42 through 45
Blogomania Find the Funny
I'm going to blog again, and not keep secrets, and try to Find the Funny in even painful situations. Just watch me try.
I'm sitting here and it's 6:31 in the morning. So dark out you'd think it was midnight. And I'm about to blog. Blogging alone, with myself. Sounds mildly naughty. And ho-hum, it's not. I've neglected my poor, sweet blog and have just been posting podcasts of "Easy Does It". Why? Because I'm lazy? I don't think I'm lazy, exactly. Keeley says she thinks I'm the most naturally restless person she knows. I tend to agree with her. No, it's more like when you sit to blog, you sort of open yourself up to the world.
Hmm. Again that sounds mildly naughty. Let's just clear that from our minds right now. No images of masturbation...Ommmmmmm.
Okay. Phew. So. Blogging can be intensely personal, if you're being really, really honest. And to be really, really honest, my life is in a bit of a shitstorm right now. (Shitstorm is a highly technical term meaning the outcome of the Chaos Theory.) It's not all bad, just, you know incredibly stressful. And what is it about butterflies? A butterfly beats its wings and California falls into the ocean? Yeah. That's my life right now. I've made a series of decisions that sounded great at the time, like butterfly wings flapping, and now, California. Meet ocean.
Should I blog about this stuff? Why not. It's either this or I go slowly insane...and I really don't want to start going all Edgar Allan Poe. That's cliche anyway. And a romantic comedy writer cannot go Edgar Allan Poe because it's creepy and just plain wrong.
So here's my challenge to myself, and to you as readers. I'm going to try and Find the Funny in all the stupid decisions I've made, and I'm going to BLOG about them. If you're in my life in some capacity, BEWARE, because I plan not to hold any secrets. I'm done with secrets. They give you wrinkles.
I'm taking suggestions on blog topics too, so it's not entirely self-centered. Here are some suggestions I've received: water on the moon, football, Afghanistan, dating, kids, Twitter, Thanksgiving, and sex.
I'll talk about all of it. ALL OF IT. And I hope you'll be reading*.
*and that one day you'll buy one of my books so I don't go entirely broke which is looking more and more likely.
Ommmmmmmm
Tanya
Turkeys -- A scene for Thanksgiving
A family with five adult children listening to the longest and most inappropriate prayer...ever.
In honor of the impending food porn holiday, I'm posting an old scene from the second play I ever wrote, and the first that was performed in Grand Rapids, Michigan. It's from a collection of scenes on loving called, ehm, "12 Scenes About Loving". Catchy title, yes? Here you are. Enjoy. Read it aloud with your family or post it on Youtube. You'll make me happy doing this.
Turkeys
(by Tanya Eby who is an honorary Turkey)
NARRATOR: You know this scene. You’re wearing clothes that are too tight and too uncomfortable. Your crazy Aunt Betty is talking to the spot on the wall. Your Mom and Dad look older than you remember. Your brothers and sisters are more obnoxious. And no matter how old and mature you get, as soon as you get around your family, you’re twelve years old again. It’s the time for giving thanks.
LIL: Harold, could you grab the turkey? Dad can’t lift it.
MARGIE: Everyone got something to drink?
HAROLD: No, Dad, I’ve got it.
EM: For Chrissakes let him lift the turkey.
RICH: I was sitting there Em.
EM: Shut up.
RICH: My glass is there.
EM: Sit over there.
RICH: You can plainly see my glass sweating in front of you.
EM: Always a poet.
HAROLD: Sit down, ma, will ya?
MARGIE: James, you can’t sit with mommy. Let’s move you so you can sit with your other cousins.
HAROLD: Here, Dad, let me help you.
MARGIE: I’ll be right there sweetie…James, don’t hit her. How would you like it if she hit you? (pause) Not now, angel!
RICH: Em, I would appreciate having my seat back.
EM: Appreciate, huh?
RICH: Yes.
EM: No.
RICH: Now.
EM: I’m not moving.
RICH crawls over her and sits next to her.
HAROLD: Mom, sit down.
LIL: Are you gonna let Dad carve the turkey?
EM: Jesus Christ, look at him with that knife.
RICH: Someone get Dad the electric knife. He’s gonna kill someone.
EM: Shut up, Rich. He’ll hear you.
RICH: Dad’s as deaf as stone.
EM: There you go again—we’ll just call you Robert Frost from now on.
RICH: I prefer Dylan Thomas, thank you.
MARGIE: Dad is not deaf.
LIL: Hey, Dad, you deaf?
EM: He’s not answering.
LIL: He can’t hear anything.
EM: He’s not deaf. He’s ignoring you.
RICH: Hey, Dad, you still giving it to Mom?
MARGIE: Rich!
RICH: Mom’s deaf too.
HAROLD: Jesus, look at them smiling like that. They’re both deaf and old.
MARGIE: They are not deaf and old.
EM: That’s right. They’re insane. There’s a difference.
MARGIE: Everyone got a seat?
LIL: Obviously.
MARGIE: Something to drink?
RICH: Cheerio.
HAROLD: Cheerio old chap.
EM: Would you guys shut up?
MARGIE: James, stop eating. We have to wait for your grandpa to pray.
LIL: You guys remember last Thanksgiving?
HAROLD: Dad prayed for ten minutes.
MARGIE: Shhhhhh. He’ll hear you.
HAROLD: Dad, make it short, will ya? I’m starving.
MARGIE: Shhhhhhh….
EM: Shhhhhhhh, yourself.
They bow their heads. There is a long, long pause. RICH and EM start poking each other. LIL bites her nails. HAROLD looks up wide-eyed. MARGIE remains focused in perfect prayer-position.
RICH: Jesus.
EM: Shut up.
A long pause.
EM: Good God, he’s going for the record.
LIL: Come on, Em. Shut up and listen.
MARGIE : And stop swearing in front of the kids.
EM: I don’t swear.
MARGIE: You swear all the time.
EM: Fuck you. I do not.
LIL: Both of you, shut up!
RICH: How old are you guys anyway?
LIL & EM: Shut up!
A pause. They bow their heads. They begin to look confused. HAROLD starts snickering. Everyone except MARGIE starts laughing.
MARGIE: He did not just say that.
RICH: He did.
MARGIE: He did not.
HAROLD: He did.
MARGIE: I did not hear my father just ask God to keep his (whispered) sex like healthy for another year.
LIL: Oh, my God. Look at Mom smiling.
MARGIE: He did not just say that.
EM: He did.
MARGIE: James! Knock it off!
EM: I’m getting a creek in my neck.
RICH: Huh?
EM: A creek. In my neck.
RICH: Is that the right word?
EM: You and your words. My fucking neck hurts.
MARGIE: Could we please not swear for one minute while Dad prays to God for our family?
RICH: If it were only a minute maybe, but, Jesus, the turkey’s decomposing.
LIL: Oh, thanks, Rich.
RICH: No problem.
LIL: Now while I’m eating I’m going to think about flesh rotting.
RICH: Hey, no problem. Glad I could provide a clear image for you
HAROLD: Hey, Rich, what happened o you and that woman?
RICH: What woman?
MARGIE: Will you guys be quiet and listen to dad?
HAROLD: That woman…you know…with the big…
RICH: Oh…..
MARGIE: I don’t think you should be discussing amorous relationships during a prayer.
HAROLD: Who said there was anything amorous about their relationship? You were just sleeping together, right?
RICH: Yeah. Which is why I didn’t want to bring her here. I didn’t know if she’d be able to ward off Dad.
LIL: Oh, shut up!
MARGIE: That’s disgusting.
EM: My potatoes are freezing.
HAROLD: Hey, Margie. Check out your little angel over there.
MARGIE: James?
RICH: Wow! That’s really something!
MARGIE: James, get that fork out of your nose, you could puncture your brain.
EM: Wonder what else he could fit up there.
RICH: Hey, James, look at this!
RICH is trying to put his entire fist in his mouth.
MARGIE: Honestly, I don’t know where he gets it from. Stop that!
RICH: Sorry.
THEY bow their heads and continue to listen to the prayer.
HAROLD begins to sing a limbo tune.
EM: Shut up!
HAROLD: Listen, I’m about to fall asleep so before I do, I thought I’d offer us a little entertainment.
EM: You need to take lessons.
HAROLD: You gonna pay for them?
EM: You gonna pay me the fifty bucks you still owe me?
HAROLD:I don’t owe you fifty bucks.
LIL: Yes you do. I remember.
HAROLD: What do you mean, you remember?
LIL: Well, Em borrowed the money from me to give to you.
EM: I did not.
LIL: Yes you did.
EM: That was fifteen years ago.
LIL: And the interest is still accruing.
EM: You did not add interest to it.
LIL: Yes I did.
EM: You are such an ass.
MARGIE (exploding with pent up fury): SHUT UP!!!!!!
(PAUSE)
Dead quiet.
MARGIE: That was a lovely thing Dad just said and you missed it.
RICH (softly): Well, what did he say?
MARGIE: I forget. It was something about clouds.
LIGHTS
Podcast EDI 38-41
Oh, man...so much happens here I can't even tell you. I really can't, because I don't remember and I don't have the book with me to check, but clearly SOMETHING happens because I have twelve minutes here of recorded material. There ya go.
Oh, man...so much happens here I can't even tell you. I really can't, because I don't remember and I don't have the book with me to check, but clearly SOMETHING happens because I have twelve minutes here of recorded material. There ya go.
EDI Chapters 38 through 41
Podcast EDI 32 & 33
The morning after...
Did I do it? Did I? If you are able to play this, then miracle of miracles, (with TM's help) I've figured out how to post longer podcasts. Let me know. Yay!!!
EDI Ch 32 & 33
Rex Alter Episode 2
Rex Alter and his pal Drippy must get a chemical for their engine from a creepy planet...meanwhile the Shadow Master is devising a plan to suck Rex Alter's soul, and destroy everyone he's ever known.
In episode one, we met Rex Alter, son of the Prime Minister who's an upstart in a star fleet. When The Aura is attacked by The Shadow Master, a nefarious soul-sucker, Rex and a crew of misfits escape. Along with him is Julie Tittle, a woman he has a past with, and his alien cohorts: Drippy, Piku, and the amazing Simmy Pippins. In this episode, Rex and Drippy must save their ship from certain destruction while the Shadow Master continues to plot.
CLICK BELOW:
Rex Alter Episode 2: Drippy & The Great Escape
Podcast EDI CH 28
Some bomchickabombom with Eve and Kevin.
Some bomchickabombom with Eve and Kevin. Click below:
Easy Does It CH 28
Heartbreak & Law of...
Thursday night he let me know that he IS ready for a committed relationship...just not with me. The woman he's chosen is a woman he met before me. "If I'd met you earlier," he said "If I met you first..." Blah blah blah.
Heartbreak and the Law of Attraction
Okay. It's embarrassing, but I think I'm going all New Age and finally watched "The Secret". It was recommended by my mom, my therapist, three girlfriends, some guy friends, and when a stranger approached me in D&W and said "Lady, you have some issues. Watch THE SECRET" I thought maybe the universe was trying to tell me something. And what is it trying to tell me? Nothing I haven't heard before. I have a bit of trouble with relationships. Not just a failed marriage (though I'm still not convinced that's the right word for it) but I seem to only fall for men who aren't really available. Two big ones in my past: one in Grand Rapids (who became the subject of my book), one in New York, and one recently.
All three of these men I've been deeply attracted to or felt some kind of connection with. I'm not sure what they felt for me, though I'm fairly certain the feelings weren't exactly reciprocated. And that's the trouble. I choose men who don't really want to date me. Most recently, the man I've been sort of involved with told me from the start that he wasn't ready for a committed relationship. I was okay with that. I really thought I was at least. And then as time went on, I sort of started to give him my heart, and my focus, and my energy. Thursday night he let me know that he IS ready for a committed relationship...just not with me. The woman he's chosen is a woman he met before me. "If I'd met you earlier," he said "If I met you first..." Blah blah blah. I may sound blase, but believe me I am not. I feel crushed. Crumpled. To make it worse, today at the grocery store, I saw the woman he chose instead of me. She isn't necessarily a BETTER version of me: just an alternate one. She's more exotic looking than I am, maybe she's prettier, she has two kids too (both girls whereas I have a boy and a girl) and I heard her say to her daughters, "Let's get a movie we can watch at Mr's house." (I'm not putting his name in here.) Ah. So. There I am at Meijer with my two kids picking out playdough for a weekend alone, and there she is with her kids picking out a movie to watch with the man I thought I could love. Well. A whole lot of heartbreak there.
Why did this happen? The answer is: I Don't Know. I am thinking about the Law of Attraction. Do I attract in my life men who don't fully want me because it replays stuff from my childhood? That's a good possibility. But it's honestly not what I want. What I want is someone to share a passion and a life with, in small moments. And I want someone to want me, and for the timing to be right.
Maybe the trouble is that for years, I've believed I was cursed romantically. Things seem to support that...but I'm going to try and flip my thinking. I'm going to start believing that I'm blessed. If I step back and look at my life, I am blessed. And I may not be able to share the life I have with someone right now in the way I want, I trust that it will happen eventually. Until then, it's me and the kiddos, and playdough, and teaching, and performing, and my books. I've been neglecting my writing and it's calling to me again. Maybe there's a Secret or two in there that I need to discover too.
For anyone reading this, I wish you good cheer and happiness. We all deserve a little kindness, whether or not we're actively attracting it in our lives. Surely the universe is, ultimately, a place of love, and it's infinite enough that we should all have a little piece of love all to ourselves.
Podcast EDI CH 27 pt 2
The end of the date....the beginning of something new. Part two.
Easy Does It CH 27 pt 2
Podcast EDI CH 27 pt. 1
The end of the date....the beginning of something new. Part one.
Easy Does It CH 27pt. 1
Podcast EDI CH 25 & 26
Julie's date is really hopping now...or...wait a minute...maybe SHE'S just hopping. She is hopping. And drunk. And having a great time.
Easy Does It CH 25&26
20 Beautiful Things
This is the free write assignment for my class yesterday. I've been feeling grumpy and very blue lately, so I needed to remind myself that there are a lot of beautiful things in life, even when things maybe aren't going the way you hoped. Here are my20 Beautiful Things
This is the free write assignment for my class yesterday. I've been feeling grumpy and very blue lately, so I needed to remind myself that there are a lot of beautiful things in life, even when things maybe aren't going the way you hoped. Here are my20 Beautiful Things
1) When I come home from teaching and my kids are waiting for me, jumping up and down, pleased just to see me.
2) The sound of rain on the roof.
3) A first kiss.
4) All the kisses that follow.
5) That golden kind of light filtering through orange or red leaves.
6) when the moon is out at the same time as the sun, making me feel (even if only briefly) that I am on a new planet.
7) laughter. Real laughter. From the belly laughter.
8) People are beautiful. All people. Their faces, hair, bodies. If you stop and look, really look, you can see it.
9) My friends are beautiful. The way they talk to me, listen to me, shake their heads at the ridiculous things that happen.
10) A chocolate volcano cake, warm from the oven, topped with slowly melting vanilla ice cream.
11) Lake Michigan in a storm. Lake Michigan sleeping. Lake Michigan in winter, waves frozen mid-turn.
12) A tiny Indian restaurant in NYC, with ceilings and walls covered with teardrop lights.
13) Sitting in a bar listening to live music, any live music, but mostly jazz.
14) Someone rubbing their hands through my hair. This will make me love you a little bit.
15) Going out with someone for the first time, not knowing if anything will happen, just seeing endless potential before you.
16) Saying good morning.
17) Quiet mornings, awake before everyone else, drinking coffee and listening to the house.
18) Holding my kids’ hands when we walk to school.
19) The words ‘bubble’ and ‘love’ and ‘poppy’ and ‘hyperbole’.
20) When someone says “I love you” and you know, without question, that they do.
Podcast Easy Does It CH 23
"Do you have any diseases?" The awkward date continues...lovely.
Easy Does It CH 23
Podcast Easy Does It CH 22
Watching Julie on her date made Eve almost want to start dating again...and the oaf next to her was starting to look good.
Easy Does It CH 22
Podcast Easy Does It Ch 21 pt 2
Oh, one word for this scene: Awkward.