What I Learned About Ghosting, Dating, And Myself In 2021

2021 is almost done and…yeah. It wasn’t much different from 2020, was it? Pandemic still. We’re all hurting. We’re all frustrated. In dating, it also feels like we’re losing the ability to connect as real people. We’re kinda bad at it. But maybe that’s just modern living.

I had a softly sad holiday. My anxiety about it was much worse than the reality, but the writer in me can appreciate just how sad it could’ve been, if I’d allowed myself to lean into that. My kids with their dad in Canada, and because I’m not seeing anyone and I don’t have any family near me, I ended up alone. That’s pretty much my worst fear. Being alone. It taps into all the abandonment issues I have.

So Christmas Eve came and Christmas morning, and I was alone, and it was hard. A friend sent me a present so I had one under the tree, but even that was a little tragic. I went for a long walk on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, to enjoy the solitude, the outdoors, and to reflect a little.

I realized some things, and since this is typically a week of reflection before the New Year hits, I thought I’d share some of these:

1)    I was technically alone for the holidays, but I also wasn’t alone. I’d had dinner with my close girlfriends just the night before. I talked to one of my friends on each day. My kids called me at 7 in the morning, right when they woke up. I received texts from people I care about. I texted too. I chatted with a couple of men I might meet. I learned I was alone in my house, but I wasn’t alone in the world. That was the part I was afraid of. Knowing I have people who love me, knowing I love others back, is important.

2)    I thought a lot about ghosting. Two men I’d met recently just stopped communicating with me. I knew what it meant. They were gone. *poof* But I tried to think about what it meant to me. It didn’t feel cruel, exactly, it felt like, well, they just aren’t interested. And I filled the silence with an explanation, “Tanya, I just don’t feel the connection I need to keep seeing you. You’re a kind and interesting person, but we just don’t have that much in common. And maybe some of the attraction I need to feel isn’t strong enough between us.” That’s the story I told myself, and what was interesting, is I realized that I could’ve said the same thing to both of these men. “We just don’t have IT, whatever IT is.” But saying it feels cruel. It feels like “You’re not good enough” and that’s not what it is. So I’ve learned, that for me, I’m going to take ghosting as more of a gentle kindness of letting go.

3)    I realized that if someone wants to see me or get to know me, they’ll pursue it with me. If they don’t pursue it, they’re not really into me to begin with. This is important for me to know. 

4)    I realized that I want a strong physical attraction to whomever I date next. It’s important to me. I’ve settled on this aspect a number of times—of dating someone who I wasn’t really attracted to—and I’ve been left wanting. Literally. I’ve tried to get used to the idea that attraction can develop, but it hasn’t happened for me. So instead of forcing it, I’m acknowledging that I want chemistry. I’ve learned that I don’t need to be embarrassed about this. This is something that’s important to me, and owning it is liberating. I want a mutual attraction with the man I date.

5)    I learned that needs aren’t met by one person, but by a community. I need my friends for talking, laughing, and analyzing. I need the person I date for talking with, having fun with, and having a physical connection with. I need my family to help me feel grounded. I need to stay active because it keeps me connected to my body. And I need to keep writing because it feeds my soul. Looking to one person to fill all these needs isn’t healthy. I need a village. 

6)    I learned that heart break is terrible, but I also learned I’m capable of loving authentically, hopefully, and passionately. It sucks that it wasn’t returned, but what’s important here is that I now know I am capable of loving with my whole self. I didn’t know that before. 

7)    I learned that life is hard and we’re all a little broken, but we go on, we go on, we keep trying, and then we have moments when we’re together, in the night or the morning or the sun of day, and we feel loved and supported and cared for. We can laugh then. We can cry. We can relax. We can gather strength from each other to keep on going on. We can be broken and beautiful at the same time.

8)    I learned that the voice inside me that tells me I’m not enough, isn’t telling the truth. That’s an old voice. It’s a voice from the past, from mistakes, from regret. But it’s not a real voice. It’s not my voice. My voice knows the truth: I am SO enough.

9)    I learned that relationships sometimes end. Friendships, marriages, dating, relationships in a family. But I also learned that relationships can begin. And a relationship is not defined by forever. A relationship can be a great conversation over a cup of coffee that doesn’t get repeated. A relationship can be walking with a friend, or it can be seeing someone and feeling your body and heart begin to bloom. A relationship is simply a connection between people, for however long, and it is something to be grateful for.

10) I learned that I’m not perfect. Well, actually, I already knew that. What is closer to the truth is…I learned that I don’t want to be perfect. I enjoy being flawed. I enjoy figuring life out. I like fumbling and failing. I like starting again. I like apologizing, I like exploring, and I really like being kissed. 

That’s a long list, but it’s been a long year.

Here is hoping that we all keep going on and learning, and connecting. I hope every once in a while, we all have moments of being alone (even though it’s scary) for a little bit to check in with our spirits. I hope we realize that being alone isn’t lonely. Being alone can also be a time of being whole. 

May 2022 bring you laughter, and love, and good food, and great conversations, deep connection, and every once in a while, a really good kiss. 

-Tanya-