All I Want For Christmas Is A Handyman

Dear Santa, 

As you know, the kids will be in Canada this Christmas and I’m all on my own, so I just have one simple request this holiday season.

Santa, all I want for Christmas is a Handyman.

You remember when I hired those dudes this summer to fix my roof and they pulled down my fairy lights? I’m not tall enough to put them back up, so if my handyman could do that, I’d be really grateful.

And could he please fix the steps into the basement and patch the celling at the top of the stairs? Could he hang the velvet curtains for me in my laundry room so that I can conceal just how many cooking supplies I have for dinners I don’t cook?

And also, Santa, do you think my Handyman could maybe give me a massage? Not a big one. Just a little one. Maybe just play with my hair a little? Rub my shoulders? Do some deep-tissue massaging all over my wet and slick body, warmed by the shower I was taking while he worked hard fixing my house and my life?

Could my handyman wear a toolbelt and no shirt? It doesn’t have to be a big toolbelt. It just needs to have a few of the essential fixing tool thingies on there.

And could my handyman moonlight as a piano playing singer? Maybe he has a voice filled with pain and angst? And good strong hands, that somehow still manage to play those keys tenderly?

Santa, could he write a song for me? 

Santa, could he write a song ON me?

Could my handyman, after he has fixed my house and my aching muscles, could he stand in front of the fireplace without his shirt and look at me with burning eyes and say “From the minute I walked in here, I knew I wanted two things. One, to make your life easier and fix that annoying light that won’t stop buzzing, and also Two, to worship you with my tongue.”

Could he maybe say that and while I blush and say “Oh, you’re joking!” Could he reach for me, his muscles flexing in the firelight, and could he pull me to him and kiss me, kiss me so deeply I feel it through my bones, rooting me to the floor. Could he maybe say that if all he gets for Christmas is my kiss, he’ll be happy, but he won’t be satisfied?

Could you maybe make that work?

It’s the holidays, and you wouldn’t want me all by lonesome, would you? I have always been your biggest fan, because I still BELIEVE.

And I believe you can make this happen for me.

And if you can’t, I understand, but maybe you could just come over instead? I’ve been very nice all year long Santa, and I really believe it’s time to be just a little naughty.

Thank you.

Happy Holidays!

Tanya

ABOUT TANYA

Tanya writes stuff. If this made you laugh, please share it with a friend, and check out Tanya’s funny romcom series written with Sarina Bowen called MAN HANDS.