Dating The Unavailable

When I was ten years old, I had a serious and painful crush on a kid named Tim. He was so wholesome. He wore buttoned shirts with the collar flipped up (I remember the green one in particular) and high-waisted jeans. He had a puffy jacket and sneakers. He like teddy bears and musicals and wasn’t as pushy as the other boys at school. Reader, I loved him.

I did not realize then that I was establishing a lifelong pattern of yearning for unavailable men. Because Tim did not return my affections. Tim did not return the affections of any of the many girls who loved him. Our dear Tim was gay. As gay as gay can be. Maybe that’s why I loved him so. He was never going to be for me.

 ***

As I’ve grown and changed and learned, this is still a pattern I have yet to break: I want the men who don’t want me back. Not on purpose, I swear! And it’s something I’m getting increasingly angry about. Through counseling, I’ve had two separate therapists over the years say the same thing: If I have a deep attraction to a man—RUN. They say it has something to do with having a dad who chose a different family to love. I’m always chasing after the one who doesn’t want me in the hopes that maybe one day he will, and that tender lost tiny-Tanya part of me can heal.

Whatever. It’s annoying.

And it’s infuriating that the men I want the most are bad for me.

So I’m really trying to break this pattern, but it’s confusing. If men I’m attracted to are bad for me, then do I settle for men who I’m not attracted to? Or can attraction grow through time and experience and laughter? And if so, how MUCH time and experience and laughter? How long do I wait to see if it shows up?

And I’m really angry, too, because it feels like I don’t get to experience falling for someone who lights me up, and have them light up in return. One of my friends reminds me that I can have this, but it takes time. It shouldn’t happen right away. I don’t know. I’m not convinced. 

I’m getting really pissy about this and I want to tell my therapists to fuck right the hell off. I want someone I have a crazy fire for. I want to want someone on a cellular level. I deserve that. Don’t we all? 

Then I take a look at what’s happening now.

Could those therapists be right? Could I be only deeply attracted to unavailable men?

No. Not possible!

But then…I’m dating. I’m out there. I’m using all the courage I can to put myself out there. I’ve gone to restaurants, axe throwing, had drinks, had brunch, gone for walks. And it’s been nice. Fun.

But who do I sit at home and think about? The guy who broke my heart! STILL! And to continue getting over  him, I’ve been texting this new guy who is everything I thought I wanted: masculine, incredibly flirty, blue collar but also creative, passionate, intelligent. What’s wrong with that? BECAUSE HE’S NOT AVAILABLE! How do I know he’s not available? BECAUSE HE LIVES ON A FUCKING ISLAND IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN AND BELIEVES THAT MONOGAMY IS A CONVENTION CREATED FOR CONTROLLING OTHERS! 

That’s how unavailable he is. A man who literally lives on an island. 

His texts also light me up.

Well.

Fuck.

 ***

My friends says I put too much pressure on myself. Go out! Have fun! Let things develop slowly!  I smile and agree and inside I’m seething. But this isn’t fun! This is so hard! I don’t want to date multiple people. I don’t like getting to know several men at once. I want ONE man, who I’m intellectually and physically attracted to, that I can feel safe enough with to be passionate with and to eventually love.

So when my friend says “Have fun!” what I feel is “Agony”.

I’m not entirely sure I’m built for light-hearted fun. I don’t know how to stay on the surface and let attraction and intimacy develop because the truth is—I’ve never had that happen. Not once. 

Secretly, I don’t believe it’s possible.

What I really really want is to not play the game. 

That’s not quite true. 

What I really really want is to go back in time and have my dad choose me, to choose to stay in my life, to have a mom who was healthy and happy. I want a childhood that was safe and beautiful, so I wouldn’t have to waste so much of my adult life trying to heal from it.

Things don’t change on their own though. You’ve got to help change happen. 

 ***

I’m telling the Island Guy I’m not communicating with him anymore. He’s a fantasy, and what I want is something real.

I’m going to give more time to the actual men who ARE available and seem genuinely interested in me. They are good men. Kind, funny, cute. And maybe through going slowly, maybe something will develop that has real depth, and maybe real attraction (instead of false attraction) can ignite. I am, actually, attracted to the men I’ve gone out with. It just hasn’t been a system-wide overload. That’s what I need to avoid: the system overload. And I need to remember that in letting go of what is bad for me, I’m also making myself more available to what is true and good.

I’m trying to relax, to breathe deeply, to trust that someday I’m going to meet someone who is willing to get to know me slowly and who can be patient with me so I can learn to love from a place of healing. Maybe I’ve already met them, and I just haven’t realized it yet.

That’s a nice thought.

I’m going to sit with that idea for a while. 

 ###

TANYA EBY

Tanya is a writer, blogger, tiny poem writer, and narrator. You can check out some of her books here.