Every Time I Do A Tarot Reading On My Love Life, I Draw The Death Card

 I’m not particularly religious in any direction, but I do enjoy a good tarot reading every now and then. I have a beautiful deck with woodland creatures, and every now and then I pull a card and then ponder it, thinking on how it pertains to my life.

I kid you not…the last three times I’ve pulled a card from the tarot deck wondering about my love life, I’ve pulled the Death card. 

And then I laughed. Because, come on, that shit is funny.

Me: Universe? What’s the status on my love life?”

Universe: Honey, that shit is DEAD. 

Tarot Deck by Kim Crans

***

Of course, if you do any deep diving into the meaning of cards, death doesn’t mean The End. Well, it does, but not ‘The End’ as in ‘Decay’ or to ‘Cease Existence’.  It actually means transformation. It means you need to let go of some old thought patterns, some traps that are holding you back. It’s time for the end of a way of thinking or how you behave so that you can enter a new way of thinking or behavior.

At least, this is how I’m interpreting it.

Recently, I asked a man I’ve had a fun text thread with his thoughts on relationships and sex and dating. I was curious because his perspective on life is so completely different than mine that I find his answers really interesting, and sometimes mind blowing. This is what I asked:

“Sex without love or an emotional commitment or connection still feels good to you? Like you don’t feel empty after? I’m purely curious. No judgment. I’d love to understand.”

I waited for his answer. I thought there was an 89% chance he wouldn’t answer and our little texting would end. But he did answer.

“I think there are a lot of assumptions baked into that question. For example, that monogamy is necessary for love. Or emotional connections. I think that idea is far more closely related to ideas of security, which can begin to verge on ideas of possession. And of course in real life monogamy doesn’t guarantee security anyway.”

I had to think about that. 

Weeks later, I’m still thinking about it.

***

Here’s what blew my mind. All these years, I thought sex with a committed partner was about love. But maybe, maybe for me, it wasn’t always. Maybe it was about security. Wanting security and stability. And maybe this deep need I have for a relationship right now isn’t really about what I thought it was. Maybe it’s because I feel lost and like I’m floating, and a relationship helps me feel secure and grounded.

But then again, does a relationship always feel secure? My last ones sure didn’t. And should I even be looking for a relationship to feel secure? Shouldn’t I just MAKE my life secure, instead of thinking I can get stability from someone else?

This, my friends, is where the death is happening. I need to change some of my thinking and my assumptions.

I can want companionship and connection, but I shouldn’t be looking for anyone to provide security to me. This is something I need to give myself, because honestly, the only person who can make me feel secure…is ME. 

So.

Fuck.

Okay.

Now what?

So….

What if I entered the dating world from a place of security instead of fear? What if I made sure I had a stable home (I do), and an income (fingers crossed), and that I cultivated intimate (emotionally intimate) relationships with people I care about, like my friends? What if I felt secure in who I am and how I live and I didn’t need that provided to me in a relationship?

What if I didn’t NEED a relationship at all? 

What if, in feeling secure already, a relationship with someone else, however long or short it lasted, could be experienced as a gift? As a moment, or moments, of deep connection?

What if dating could be fun?

***

Whatever path you’re on, are there some beliefs you’ve always held that maybe could use a little transformation? A gentle kind of death? Are there ideas you’re holding onto that are holding you back? 

It’s an interesting question, and something I’m taking a deeper look at. 

My brain hurts from thinking of things and I’m honestly breathing a little quickly right now. It’s like I can feel myself starting to change. It’s a little scary shifting your footing from what you’ve always known, to something new. 

Maybe, though, this is what transformation feels like. It feels tremulous. It feels a little scary. And it’s also a little exciting. 

What other things do I know that are true that maybe, just maybe, could use a little transformation?

Man.

I’ve got some work to do.

ABOUT TANYA EBY

Tanya Eby is a narrator and a writer. Like her work? Leave a comment, share with a friend, or buy one of her books. But really, just you reading her blogs makes Tanya really happy.