Six Sentence Sunday
“Gawd,” Megan breathed, trying to hoist the enormous menu up in front of her eyes. “I’ve heard that everything is bigger in the north…” She paused mid-sentence as our waiter materialized next to Megan.
She turned her head and was nose to, well, let’s just say, our waiter’s lower waist...midsection....below the belt...to the side of the leg.
Oh, for crying out loud, Megan’s nose almost touched our waiter’s dick (which was in his pants of course).
“Case in point,” Mom said and motioned to our waiter.
From "Blunder Woman" by Tanya Eby published by Champagne Books.
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Six Sentence Sunday June 12
Oh nooooo! I think my original post for Six Sentence Sunday confused people. It makes the book sound scary, and it's not. Guess that's what happens when you post something out of context. I'm updating the post with this instead. Next week I'll be more careful:
"He leaned in and I stood on my tippy toes, he tilted my head back with his big hands, and then his lips were on me: firm, strong, wet. Just a little pressure at first and then the hint of a tongue, and then, (dear God I do believe in you!) choirs were singing and pulsing and jumping and…oops…not a choir, that was my clitoris. Easy to get that confused sometimes.
He kissed me so long and deep and unhurried, that I felt it in my toes. It was a kiss full of promise of what was to come, and I mean, come, yes that kind, of promised pleasures, but it seemed to hint at something else. It seemed to promise…I don’t know…a future."
The original post:
My entry this week comes from "Blunder Woman" published by Champagne Books. In this snippet Chloe, her friend Megan, and her mom show up at a party thrown by Chloe's obsession, Matt:
“What is this place? Where are all the men?” Megan and I clutched each other, sort of like we would if we were walking alone in the woods on a night an ax murderer was loose.
Mom said (a little too loudly), “It’s like the retirement home...all chicks.”
There were women everywhere: standing in the grass, on the sidewalk, leaning up against Matt’s car. Then I got a glimpse at his front window and there were more women inside, and silhouettes of curvy bods in the kitchen.
Six Sentence Sunday is a blog (sixsentence.com) where writers sign up and agree to post six sentences of a published piece, or something they're working on. Then we all comment on each other's stuff. It's a great way to discover new writers and connect with others.
Six Sentence Sunday June 5
Last week, I forgot to sign up for Six Sentence Sunday, and man, what a downer. I like this game of posting six sentences from a published or work-in-progress novel, getting comments, and reading other entries and giving them comments. It feels really supportive. Like a good bra, but in written form.
Here's my Six for this week. It's from the opening pages of "Blunder Woman".
I probably would have been a lesbian if it weren’t for the whole vagina thing. Not that I liked women sexually…although after a few gin & tonics everybody pretty much looked like my potential soul mate. No, it was more that I was sick and tired of the drama with men, or to be more exact, I was sick and tired of the drama with Matt M. Or as I call him: Mmm for short. I mean, how could I love him for nearly two years and have nothing to show for it? What was I waiting for?
For more on "Blunder Woman" click: HERE.
For more on Six Sentence Sunday, click: HERE.
Question #4: Any Bites From Hollywood?
Bob Caustic also asked the following question: “Any nibbles from Hollywood yet? Who do you think should direct "Pepper Wellington and the Case of the Missing Sausage"? Who should star in "Pepper"?”
TANYA: If anyone knows anyone in Hollywood, please send them my way. Especially if it’s Drew Barrymore and her company because I really think she should direct one of my books and make it into a movie. And then she and I should go out for drinks and appetizers and then she could pay for it because I'm just a struggling writer. And then if she could buy me a gift basket stuffed with wine and gourmet food products, that'd be great. Could someone get on that please?
Sigh. Well, since we’re talking dreams here, I DO have some of the characters in mind. I could see Pepper Wellington as Susan Sarandon and Sausage as Amy Adams or that Alison chick from Buffy and How I Met Your Mother. Actually, you could take the whole cast from How I Met Your Mother and put them in the movie. Pepper just needs to be played by an older actress who has sex appeal and a pair of balls. (One of those things is just figurative.)
Patricia Heaton would be great in one of my books-as-movie. She's doing a new web series called Versailles so surely around doing that she could have time to produce a TV series around "Blunder Woman". She'd be a great mom in that.
OR for something really fun, I'd ask Martin Scorsese to direct my online dating romance "Easy Does It". Joe Pesci could play Dan the Man and Meryl Streep could play Julie, but play her with a Slavic accent, and then they could just randomly kick stuff and it would all be filmed in a single long shot with lots of smoke and violin music.
Yep. I have great ideas on how to turn my books into films. Just waiting for that call.
And waiting.
And waiting.
Screw it. I'm going to go eat some cheese.
Ever wonder where my books are set?
Admittedly, most of my 'readers' are either related to me, or are my friends so they feel a slight pressure to read my work. But there are a few of you who I don't actually know...except in a Twitter/Facebook way. At least I think there are some of you out there. So if you've ever wondered what town I'm talking about in "Easy Does It" and "Blunder Woman" well...it's featured in this video. I decided to set all my books in either my hometown of Grand Rapids, Michigan or at least in Michigan. Why? Because we aren't just Detroit. I'm not exactly sure WHO we are yet, but it's a conversation that's starting to happen as more writers, artists, musicians, etc, here are starting to keep it local and promote Grand Rapids. And I was tired of New York and LA and other places for novels. I wanted something real and attainable for my quirky characters. That's why they live in Grand Rapids right along with me. (It's pretty convenient too.)
I have to admit, when I first saw this lip dub video produced by Rob Bliss, I was underwhelmed. Why? Well, because I thought it was too slow and a depressing song. But then I thought about all the people it took to come together to do this, and how I walk past most of this area every day at work. There's the Grand Rapids Art Musuem (where the wedding is) and Rosa Parks Circle. My play was just performed at the GRAM and this video follows about half of my route to get coffee.
Then a funny thing happened. Just like the Grinch, my heart started to grow and grow...and now when I watch this...I get all weepy. I promise it's not because of PMS. No. This is all-natural emotion.
So if you wondered where Julie and Dan the Man meet for their first dinner...it's right across the street from where the pillow fight happens in this video. And Chloe from "Blunder Woman" routinely gets un-coffee downtown. She also had her undate with Matt and sat on one of the benches in the park that's all green.
That's my quick morning blog. I have seven hours to prep for teaching today. I'm sorta not ready. I will be, I just need more coffee first. Oh...and this week I'll be answering questions that were posted on my author Facebook page. Actually, my characters will be answering the questions. If there's a character you'd like to hear from, let me know. Check back later today or tomorrow.
Enjoy the video. This is my hometown.
Advice for Aspiring Superheroes
A How To for aspiring superheroes
Today’s question comes from a great graphic designer on Twitter. Check out @magicray . AND he makes amazing balloon animals and creations. I’m not kidding. He made me one for my birthday last year. What’s his question? Ray asks:
“What advice do you have for aspiring superheroes?”
This is a really great question, and at an important time…because right now, I think the world really needs more superheroes. I’m not joking. I mean with a bad economy and general depression feelings and broken hearts and gas pains from too much fast food, we could all use a little rescuing. Here are some bullet points in case you’re thinking of becoming a superhero. (Except I couldn’t figure out how to do bullets so I numbered it instead.)
HOW TO BE AN AVERAGE SUPERHERO
1) Choose a name. Let’s face it: most of the cool superhero names are taken. Don’t despair!! Those superheroes are from other planets or have been transformed by radioactive materials. You don’t want to be Superman or Spiderman anyway. Who wants that much baggage? No, it’s far better to be an average superhero. How do you do it? Simple. You find one thing you’re really good at and then you add Man or Woman to it. See, me, I’m brilliant at mistakes…hence, Blunder Woman. Maybe you make an amazing cookie. Then you could be Cookie Man, or better yet, The Amazing Cookie Man. Or maybe you can do fart noises with your armpit. Armpit Music Woman has a certain ring to it. Just choose the one thing you’re great at and keep it simple.
2) Make an outfit. All superhero outfits require a cape and a mask. Most outfits, especially if you’re a guy require either a unitard or tights. I like men in unitards. They look very awkward and it leaves little to the imagination. Ehm…now I’m distracted. Oh. Right. Just get a cape, a mask and maybe sew on a letter, and you are good to go.
3) Determine your Secret Identity. Your Secret Identity is your day job. Maybe you work at an office, you teach, you cook. It doesn’t matter. Just make sure you wear glasses. When you put on glasses NO ONE KNOWS YOU’RE ACTUALLY A SUPERHERO. That’s cool. Plus, I think glasses are hot. Just in general. Nothing is sexier than someone who’s smart. Unless it’s someone who’s smart, likes to give back rubs, and likes sci-fi shows. That’s on fire.
4) Practice general acts of kindness. Everyone should do this actually. It’s just good people skills. And karma.
That’s really all the advice I have. Being a superhero is hard work, but it’s also rewarding. See, now when I totally embarrass myself I feel good because I know my superpowers are working and the world is in order…and it’s so much cheaper than therapy.
Cheers,
Blunder Woman
First Ridiculous/Serious Question of the Week
Hey, RPFangirl, thanks for your insightful question. Here’s the thing. I would love to wear a different cape for every mood I have because I have a lot of them. Moods that is. But, sadly, according to The National Handbook and Rule Book for Ordinary Superheroes (or the NHRBOS) “An Ordinary Superhero is allowed only one costume. 1) Because they’re probably poor and 2) Because....
This week I’m answering ridiculous and/or serious questions about life, dating and cheese sandwiches. In essence, anything you want to ask, I’ll answer. I may even offer advice. What gives me the right to do this? My gigantic pair of cajones. A warning, please don’t actually take any of the advice I may give. I’m a 36-year-old divorced single mom struggling to make it as a writer. I have issues.