Stupid Mother F*&@ing Gluten

I’ve experimented a couple of times with going gluten free…or wheat free. The first time was for a day and I didn’t notice any change. Course, one day isn’t long enough to detox from two glasses of wine, let alone my late night binging on breadsticks. The second time was for a week and I felt pretty good.

The last experiment was a little over two weeks. Right around week one and a half I started to feel…weird. Like, a bit euphoric. And light. And four pounds lighter. Surely it was just in my head though. I mean, eating wheat couldn’t really change your entire outlook and mood and belly size. Could it? Really?

So this weekend I did another experiment. I gave myself free reign to eat whatever I wanted. I didn’t sit down and eat an entire loaf of French bread (although trust me, I was tempted). I just returned to eating how I usually eat. I made homemade pizza on Friday. I didn’t gorge. I had two small sensible pieces. That night I felt puffy but that’s pretty normal for me.

The next morning I made cookies for the kids and had one. I felt a little nauseous.

Then I made banana bread and as soon as it was out of the oven, I cut a hefty slice, slathered that in butter and entered Carb Heaven. Almost literally. A half an hour after eating the bread, I was exhausted and took an hour-long impromptu nap.



My little experiment has resulted in a three pound weight gain, a massive headache today, tight pants, mild nausea and a general blue-feeling.

All because of wheat? Really?

In a word: fuck.

I think it’s true. I think that for whatever reason, my body has trouble with gluten. I never really realized it because I was always eating something with wheat and was just used to feeling fatigued and bloated and moody etc. But to go off it and then re-introduce it back into my diet…well…shoot. I think there might be some truth in this. I’m not saying it’s true for everyone, but it might be for me. I had diabetes when I was pregnant (both times), my grandma was diabetic, and I have sugar crashes and spikes. So maybe it’s time for me to stop grumbling and start changing my diet for good.

I’m so not happy about this.

I’m going to try and go gluten free again for two more weeks. If I hit that same svelte-euphoria feeling, then I just might be a convert to trying to live without wheat, except for special occasions. Like the Dumpling Making Party I wanted to throw. Of course, now I have to postpone that dumpling-making idea. Maybe we’ll do a tamale making party, or a paella night instead. I might be going wheat-free, but a girl still wants to live a little.

I hope I don't end up being really annoying about this. You know, sort of like this:

Worst Picture of Me EVER.

So my dear, quirky, neurotic husband took this truly horrible picture of me. It’s so horrible, I keep looking at it. Seriously. It’s on my desktop. I obsessively click on it. I ENLARGE it. I look at it and a thin sheen of sweat breaks out over my forehead and I think “Good god. Is that me? That can’t be me. Do I look like that when I’m sleeping? No! NOOOOoooOOOO!” It is me though. Here. Look at it. Just look at it, I tells ya. Do your eyes burn?

Now, granted, when this photo was taken, I’d had the kids for about a week and my daughter wasn’t feeling good. She kept waking up in the middle of the night and I’d rush to her so she wouldn’t wake up my son or Kealoha. Then I couldn’t get back to sleep for an hour or so, and then I’d finally fall asleep, and my daughter would wake up bright eyed and ready to go AT 5:30 IN THE F^&#ING MORNING! So. I was operating on about two hours of sleep for a week. And then we had Kealoha’s parents and my mom and his grandma over and I’d been narrating and apparently (from the picture) eating enormous sandwiches while PMSing. Clearly, I’m bloated in this picture.


Look at it. I mean, just LOOK at it. It’s the worst picture ever!!! I am both horrified and endlessly amused by it. I know the angle is bad, and that I’m exhausted. I know that when I stand up that those rolls on my neck disappear. But it’s like Kealoha took a picture of my worst fears realized and now I can’t stop looking at it.


Went to my doctor’s this week for my annual exam. He gently told me that I probably need to lose ten pounds. I told him I’d been trying to lose ten pounds since I broke my foot. So he’s going to have my thyroid checked to make sure things are working the way they should. Still. If this picture isn’t encouragement to up the workout (again) and down the bread (down as in ‘put it down’ not ‘swallow’) …then I don’t know what kind of encouragement I need.


Worst picture EVER. I’m going to look at it one more time, just to be sure.




Yep. Still awful.


Here’s one where I look shiny and voluptuous. I'm wearing the same hoodie in this picture. It was taken at a cooking class I went to with my friend D. Of course, it looks like I'm going to bust out of the hoodie, like I'm wearing pasties underneath or something, but that's just the glow-ey effect that cooking has on me.



There. That’s better.


Oh. And here’s an awful picture of my son that he took himself. We didn’t know he had done this. It just showed up when we downloaded the pictures to the computer. This makes me laugh.


I guess that’s the benefit of awful pictures. They can make you laugh. (I’m very tempted to post an awful picture I took of Kealoha where he looks very, very effeminate. I’ll save that one. Keep it in my pocket for blackmail.)



Diet Update

Not that you NEED to know this, but I've finally lost some weight. Nearly 3 pounds. Sure, it took a month, but consider that I was narrating during that month. Now that I'm on my super vacation (meaning no teaching and no foreseeable narrating) I'm going to up my workout time, and down my potato chip time. Not 'down' as in 'snarf'. 'Down' as in reduce my time with potato chips.

I can do this. I can totally do this. My stomach is already thanking me.

Diet Update: Week Two


I was a little leery of stepping on the scale this morning because, well, let’s just say it was a hard week. First, there was the wine tasting on Thursday and there was no way I was counting calories then. On Friday, I was just plain exhausted and wanted good food and I wanted it NOW. And then today, well, it’s Mother’s Day. Enough said.


I know. I know. There’s always a thousand excuses. And now I’m becoming that calorie counting annoying person. It’s annoying me. I don’t want to count calories, but I don’t know any other way to keep me aware of how much I’m actually eating. To put it simply, this week I didn’t lose any weight. In fact, I gained 1.5 pounds…which puts me…shit…right back where I started. I’m literally the same weight I was two weeks ago when I started this whole “Got to change my eating habits” game again.


Muther humper.


I feel like crying, mostly because I really hate my body right now. Mostly, I hate my belly. It won’t go away. But I’m trying to breathe and remember that when I got dressed up for the Wine Tasting with Kealoha, I felt pretty good….so this whole self image thing I think is tied to other things. Mostly, a general feeling of never quite being good enough. Self esteem issues anyone?

Plus, I was narrating this week. ALL week. As most of you know, when I narrate, I’m in a studio (motionless) from 8:30 to 4:30. I narrate for an hour, take a bathroom break, and then keep narrating. We have an hour for lunch. So my activity level has tanked. I managed to walk about two miles a day still, and five miles this weekend, but  it hasn’t helped. And I did make ‘smart’ choices while narrating. Instead of getting McDonald’s biscuit for breakfast (500 calories) and a giant sandwich and soup and cookie for lunch (1500) calories, and eating chips and pop on the way home (300 calories) and then having a huge dinner (600 calories)…I ate small meals throughout the day. Turkey slices, hummus and veggies, salads with chicken, coffee, etc. So. That was good…and also a gigantic pain in my ass because my stomach would not stop rumbling. So, maybe then, it was a pain in my stomach. I hope to god people can’t hear those tummy rumbles. Nothing like listening to an audiobook and thinking “Huh. That narrator has gas.”



Okay. So one good week; one for shit week. Some choices were in my control and some weren’t. On to week three. I’m not giving up. I’m just trying to figure out a lifestyle I can live with that makes me feel good.


This week, I’m cutting back on wheat because I think I might have an intolerance for it. And next week, I’m joining a gym again. With all the work I’m doing, I feel like I’ve earned the right to pay hefty monthly fees. It’ll be worth it if I can get my muffin top to disappear.


And dammit! Now I want a muffin!




Random Thing #5: WANT


I want waffles and bacon and crème brulee and ribs and biscuits lathered with butter and flourless chocolate cake and a mojito and this hazelnut cake log I make and Oh, sheesh, I'm now thinking about all the wonderful dessert logs there are  and then laughing at how anything can be called a log and yet still be appetizing.


So back to what I want: chocolate truffles, an agent (but not to eat) and homemade ravioli stuffed with goat cheese, and stuffed polenta, and stuffed mushrooms, and I guess I just want things STUFFED and I basically want to eat everything I've posted on my abandoned food blog I want to eat all of it (except the agent) and not gain a single pound. Please?


That concludes my Day Of Random Things, because I actually have to get ready for narrating. I have to find my diva crown and pack up a vat of hummus. *sigh*

Random Thing #3: DIET

#3 I’m having the worst week dieting. It’s impossible to diet and narrate at the same time. Healthy food doesn’t fill you up for long, and it’s hard for my body to ‘process’.


So when I eat a salad or lentils or anything, my stomach becomes the Creature from the Deep and is all Graaahhh! and RRRRrrraaarrggg!! I’m trying to stuff my face every ten minute break with tiny bits of hummus and carrots. Think of a vampire going all crazy over someon'es jugular. That's me with the hummus. And it ain't pretty.

All I really want is a gigantic sandwich to calm my stomach and flood my body with a wonderful food induced help me relax.



Diet Update: Week 1

Two weeks ago I proclaimed I was never going on a diet again!  

One week ago I started dieting. Again.


I don’t need to rehash it…you can read the previous blogs.


But I am trying to do this the ‘right’ way. The right way being cutting my portions and exercising, eating more fruits and vegetables, blah blah blah. I can’t make drastic changes at once which is why today when the effing cake-monster-soul-sucker attacked me, I went to the store and bought a cake.

I had a very thin slice. It wasn’t all that good anyway, but it at least got me to stop fantasying about the fucking cake and just eat it all ready. (Glad I re-read that sentence before posting. It had a typo. I wrote “stop fantasizing about fucking the cake’. See? That’s a serious craving!)


After my first week of tracking what I eat using the Lose It! and Treadmill apps for the iPod, I’ve actually made some progress. I’ve walked about twenty miles and lost about two pounds. Not bad. And I feel a little better this week.


So…on to week two. I’m cutting myself some slack for the whole cake thing. Two steps forward, one cake slice back. And honestly, it’s not a big deal. I mean I was super stressed today and cake is so much better for you than coke.


That’s a joke.


Seriously. Just a joke. I don’t do drugs. Except, you know, when I go to the dentist (but then it’s a prescription).


Bring on week two. Anyone doing this with me? A girl gets lonely trying to get in shape.